The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
I could be! The sodding joke wouldn't download.[/QUOTE
Thought you were having a senior moment there.....
CroJack
Key Player
I say the same thing every time I have a look at my plumtree shaker.
Borini
Key Player
No he is old but not funny lol
Thank you very much!
Not a joke but a true story.
I noticed that the film Raise the Titanic is on telly tonight based on the book, which I've read. I've also seen the film, which bombed out at the box office. Set against a budget of $40 million (a FORTUNE at the time) it grossed only $7 million and became one of the biggest flops of all time.
When interviewed about this, producer Lew Grade acidly remarked that, "it would have been cheaper to lower the Atlantic". I reckon this has to be one of the greatest movie quotes of all time.
I noticed that the film Raise the Titanic is on telly tonight based on the book, which I've read. I've also seen the film, which bombed out at the box office. Set against a budget of $40 million (a FORTUNE at the time) it grossed only $7 million and became one of the biggest flops of all time.
When interviewed about this, producer Lew Grade acidly remarked that, "it would have been cheaper to lower the Atlantic".
I reckon this has to be one of the greatest movie quotes of all time.
CroJack
Key Player
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
CroJack
Key Player
Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that were too tight, I said to my husband, "I'll be so glad when we become grandparents. After all, who cares if grandmothers are fat?"
His prompt reply: "Grandfathers."
His prompt reply: "Grandfathers."
CroJack
Key Player
After a shopping expedition, my friend Gina and I stopped in a local bar for a drink. We hadn't been seated long when she leaned over and said that four young men at the next table were watching us. Since we're both thirty-something, married with children, we found the situation flattering. We sat a little straighter and tried to look slimmer and younger.
In a few minutes, one of the men got up and came toward our table. "Excuse me," he said. Then he reached over our heads to turn up the volume on the televised football game.
In a few minutes, one of the men got up and came toward our table. "Excuse me," he said. Then he reached over our heads to turn up the volume on the televised football game.
CroJack
Key Player
For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.
"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.
"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
Behindthegoal
Key Player
"Excuse me, Vicar," said the Curate, "have you seen my bike at all?"
"Can't say I have, perhaps someone has 'borrowed' it! You can do the sermon on Sunday on the Ten Commandments. When you get to 'thou shalt not steal' give the congregation a good stare".
After the service the Vicar asks why he didn't finish the sermon.
"I'm ashamed to say that when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I'd left my bike".
"Can't say I have, perhaps someone has 'borrowed' it! You can do the sermon on Sunday on the Ten Commandments. When you get to 'thou shalt not steal' give the congregation a good stare".
After the service the Vicar asks why he didn't finish the sermon.
"I'm ashamed to say that when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I'd left my bike".
Burglar broke into a house and was about to take the DVD player when a voice said "Jesus is watching you" he stopped for a while then thought it was his imagination,so he went to take the player again, again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". he shone his torch around the room and saw a parrot in a cage, did you say that asked the burglar "yes" said the parrot I'm Moses. Moses said the burglar,what sort of people would call a parrot Moses, the parrot replied the same sort of people that call their Rottweiler Jesus
Borini
Key Player
A woman's breasts have 3 stages
1 round and firm
2 pear shaped where they have dropped a bit.
3 onion bags which make you cry when you remember 1 and 2.
A guys Penis has 3 stages
1 strong and hard like an oak tree.
2 firm but a bit bendy like an ash tree.
3 Christmas tree.
The root is dead and the balls are for decoration.
1 round and firm
2 pear shaped where they have dropped a bit.
3 onion bags which make you cry when you remember 1 and 2.
A guys Penis has 3 stages
1 strong and hard like an oak tree.
2 firm but a bit bendy like an ash tree.
3 Christmas tree.
The root is dead and the balls are for decoration.