The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
The EPL has finally decided to change the unacceptable face of football. So they're sending Jamie Vardy for plastic surgery.
(Yeah, I know it's an oldie but someone might not have heard it.)
(Yeah, I know it's an oldie but someone might not have heard it.)
A couple took their young son to the circus for the first time. When dad left to buy some popcorn the boy asked, "Mum, what's that long thing hanging off the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that!" the boy said.
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"NO, mum, down underneath."
Mother blushed and said, "That's nothing."
His dad returned and mum went to the toilet.
The boy repeated his questions to his father.
"Trunk," said dad.
"No, the thing at the other end."
"It's his tail," said dad.
"No, down underneath!"
The father finally realised what the boy was talking about and said, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis".
The boy thought then asked, "Dad, how come when I asked mum, she said it was nothing?"
The man shrugged and replied:
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that!" the boy said.
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"NO, mum, down underneath."
Mother blushed and said, "That's nothing."
His dad returned and mum went to the toilet.
The boy repeated his questions to his father.
"Trunk," said dad.
"No, the thing at the other end."
"It's his tail," said dad.
"No, down underneath!"
The father finally realised what the boy was talking about and said, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis".
The boy thought then asked, "Dad, how come when I asked mum, she said it was nothing?"
The man shrugged and replied:
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
The best toilet sign EVER!!!!! 
Two guys talking a bar, the subject gets around to testicles, one of them says I was born with three, and to prove this takes him out to the toilet to show him.the other guy is amazed, and says when we go back into the bar we can make some money on this.They go back into the bar,there's a stranger standing close by, the guy goes up to him and asks if he's a gambling man,the stranger says I have a bet now and then, the guy then asks him if he'd like to have a bet for £20 that between you and this guy here you have five testicles.The stranger thinks about it for a minute, then says yes ok, they go out to the toilet, the stranger drops his trousers and says well there's my one lets see his four.
There was a farmer who had three daughters who were all going out on there first date at the same time.
The farmer being protective about his daughters, he decided to meet there suitors at the front door with a shotgun.
the doorbell rang, the boy said " Hi my names Joe I'm here for Flo, were going to the show is she ready to go" The farmer gave him the Ok
The doorbell rings again and the boy said "My names Eddy I'm here for Betty were going to get some spaghetti is she ready". So he gave him the ok
The doorbell rang again and the boy said "Hi my names Chuck, and the farmer shot him.
The farmer being protective about his daughters, he decided to meet there suitors at the front door with a shotgun.
the doorbell rang, the boy said " Hi my names Joe I'm here for Flo, were going to the show is she ready to go" The farmer gave him the Ok
The doorbell rings again and the boy said "My names Eddy I'm here for Betty were going to get some spaghetti is she ready". So he gave him the ok
The doorbell rang again and the boy said "Hi my names Chuck, and the farmer shot him.
Last edited:
Some oldies but still amusing.
Subject: Getting Older . . .
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Subject: Grumpy Old Bugger
Borini
Key Player
Send what?
CroJack
Key Player
I can't remember.
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
I never knew in the first place , so I don't care what I've forgotten !
Please tell me that’s the 4th kit!!
CroJack
Key Player
THAT would be funnyPlease tell me that’s the 4th kit!!
Borini
Key Player
Pull the udder one!Please tell me that’s the 4th kit!!
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
You can date her , but I'll do the milking !
An oldie but still funny.
Behindthegoal
Key Player
.??. Are you describing yourself?