The Joke Thread

ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
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SOME THINGS THAT MOVIES WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE!!

Ancient Hebrew was spoken with an American accent.

Ancient Roman was spoken with a British accent.

Anthony Quinn is Greek.

The material used to cover the roofs of remote settlements in the Old West was highly flammable.

When fleeing through woodland, women are more likely to trip over a concealed root than men.

Goodies are better able to judge the jumping distance between two rooftops than baddies.

All female scientists are feisty.

Prison governors are immoral sadistic bastards - to a man.

An Irishman can never rise above the rank of sergeant in the US cavalry.

All hillbillies are psycopaths.

60% of burglars are comically inept.

70% of women are under 30.

80% of black people are Denzel Washington.

The other 20% are Morgan Freeman.

SWAT teams can't leave their van without shouting.

All Southern sheriffs are fat.

All sex results in simultaneous multiple orgasm.

All hitmen own a pair of black gloves.

All global despots own a cat.

All Orientals have a working knowledge of karate.

People falling from a high building, far from being paralysed with fear, will furiously wave their arms about.

After such a fall, a good person will land in the awning of a Chinese restaurant.

But a bad person will land on the roof of a car.

When driving along a straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel in a random manner.

It is also safe to hold long eye-to-eye conversations with your passenger without checking the road ahead.

And lots, lots more.....
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
This guy goes to a whorehouse where the hooker proceeds to tell him the prices. "For 5 dollars we can do it on the floor", she says. "It's 10 dollars to do it on the couch and 20 if you want to do it on the bed".

The guy hands her a twenty. "Good choice," she says and hops on the bed.

"No, no", says the guy, "I want four on the floor!"
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Two couples got together every Saturday night for years but their visits were starting to get boring. One night, after several drinks, they decided to spice things up by swapping partners. The next morning, Dave woke up, rolled over and asked, "Did you enjoy that?"

"I had a terrific time", his new partner replied, "let's go see how the girls did".
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
After a particularly wild Christmas party, the vice-president woke up with a terrible hangover. He turned over and groaned to his wife, "What in the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made a fool of yourself in front of the chairman of the board."

"Piss on him", the man replied.

"You did", she said, " and he fired you."

"Fuck him", the man replied.

"I did. You go back to work on Monday."
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
A little boy walked into the bathroom just as his mother was stepping out of the shower. He stared in wonder at the black triangle of fur between her legs and asked: "Mummy, what's that?"

The mother stammered for a moment then said, "Why, honey, that's my black sponge".

The answer satisfied the little boy and his mother hoped he wouldn't mention it again. Later that day though, the boy came up to her in the kitchen and asked, "Mummy, I spilled some milk. Can I borrow your black sponge?"

The mother thought fast and said, "Sorry, dear, I've lost it!"

The boy walked away. Minutes later he dashed back into the kitchen and said, "Mummy, Mummy, I've found your black sponge. Mrs Johnson next door is cleaning Daddy's face with it!"
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Not a joke but an amusing anecdote about the film world taken from the actor David Niven's book called Bring on the Empty Horses. It was a follow up to his first book entitled The Moon's a Balloon. Older posters will remember Niven as a top Hollywood star usually portraying suave, sophisticated English characters. I read both books many years ago when Niven was still alive and being interviewed on telly chat shows.

The story relates to the late 1930s when the young Niven and budding star Errol Flynn were working on a version of The Charge of the Light Brigade. The director was the legendary Michael Curtiz of Hungarian extraction and very limited use of the English language. Anyway, Curtiz wanted to re-shoot a scene where the remnants of the suicidal Charge were straggling back to their lines. Well Curtiz noticed that all the men were mounted when in fact there should have been a large number of riderless horses amongst them whose riders had been killed. So he hollered out the famous instruction: "Bring on the empty horses."

During the film, due to the use of trip wires allowed at that time, some 25 horses of 125 had to be put down because of bad injuries. (The film industry thereafter made sure that film animals were always humanely treated such was the outcry from an enraged public). Niven and Flynn were also furious at Curtiz's lack of concern for the horses and made it their business to give him hell during their time on the set. Being a couple of hell-raisers by nature, they made Curitz's life a misery with a series of pranks, disruption and wicked practical jokes.

Finally Curtiz cracked. In a rage he told his PA to sort out the two miscreants in double quick time. "They think I know fuck nothing," he screamed at his PA, "well you make sure to tell them that I know fuck all !!"

Just love it! :)
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
This man goes to his surgery for a physical examination. Halfway through, the doctor discovered that the man had dark brown balls.

"I know," the man said, "don't worry about it".

"I've never seen this before", said the doctor, "I'm going to have to examine further".

"No! Move on with the examination", the man snapped back, visibly uncomfortable.

"But this could be a serious medical problem", insisted the doctor.

The man got so angry he stormed off. When he arrived home he was still mad. He shouted to his wife: "This place is a total mess!! The kitchen floor is filthy, the sink is full of dirty dishes, the bedroom's full of soiled clothes and the kids are so unwashed they stink".

She yelled back, "And you never lend a hand! You could help me sometimes. I'm so busy I don't have time to wipe my arse!!"

The man shouted back, "And that's another thing I want to talk to you about."
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
A lady has been in a coma for five years. One of the nurses is giving her a sponge bath when she notices a spike in the patient's vital signs. She touches the lady's genitals with the sponge and the vital signs spike again.

The next day when the patient's husband visits, the nurse tells him, "I know it sounds crazy but maybe a little oral sex will help bring her out of the coma." The husband is sceptical but the staff promise to close the curtains for privacy and point out that there's not much to lose. After a lot of counselling, the husband agrees to give it a shot and he goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines. She's dead. The doctors and nurses run into the room and find the husband standing there zipping up his pants. He says:

"I think she choked".
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
A couple are making out in the back of a car and things are starting to escalate.

"Put your finger inside me," the girls asks. The guy eagerly slips his finger inside her and she moans with pleasure.

"Put another finger inside me," she orders. The guy slips in another finger and she moans even louder.

"Put you whole hand inside me." The guy puts his whole hand in.

"Put both hands in," the girl squeals. The guy hesitates but finally wedges both hands in.

"Now clap".

"I can't !" he protests.

"Tight, huh?" she smiles.
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle when he reaches a real stumper. He thinks for a moment or two, scratches his head and finally asks the Cardinal: "Can you think of a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.

"Ah, thanks," says the Pope, "do you have an eraser?"
 
Jackflash

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Irish man walks into a café and looks at the menu, it reads.
Cheese roll 10p
Ham roll 20p
A Wank £10
He then sees a beautiful young woman that works there,with a lovely body and huge boobs.
He says "Do you give the wanks?" She says "Yes I do"
He says "Well go and wash your hands,I want two cheese rolls"
 
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