I saw six people beating up my mother-in-law last week. A neighbour asked me if I was going to help.
"Nah," I replied, "six should be enough."
"Nah," I replied, "six should be enough."
The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
Love my quotations I do. Here's one.
Edward VII reportedly said to his mistress, The Jersey Lily, actress Lily Langtry, "You know, I've amost spent enough on you to buy a battleship!"
She replied, "And you've almost spent enough IN me to float one."
Edward VII reportedly said to his mistress, The Jersey Lily, actress Lily Langtry, "You know, I've amost spent enough on you to buy a battleship!"
She replied, "And you've almost spent enough IN me to float one."
Criminal in the dock: "As God is my judge, I am innocent!"
Judge: "He isn't, I am and you're not."
Judge: "He isn't, I am and you're not."
So Billy Wilder, the famous film director, received a cable from his wife who had complained that her accommodation didn't have a bidet.
He replied: Unable to obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in the shower.
He replied: Unable to obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in the shower.
At the conclusion of the trial of 'Luncheon Voucher' Madam, Cynthia Payne, the foreman of the jury was reputed to have said: "M'lud, we find the defendant not guilty - but we would love to hear all the evidence again!"
Answering the fight doctor during his bout with Jose Torres, Willie Pastrano replied:
"Your damned right I know where I am. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the shit kicked out of me".
"Your damned right I know where I am. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the shit kicked out of me".
LittlePuma
Key Player
Jose Mourinho walks into halftime dressing room...
(Insert joke)
Leaves unemployed.
(Insert joke)
Leaves unemployed.
I have to confess that I'm a HUGE fan of the Pink Panther movies and Peter Sellers' comic interpretations of the inept Clouseau, have to be some of the greatest feats of acting in the history of comedy movies. I never tire of them. But I also must pay tribute to a very under-rated actor in Herbet Lom, whose performances were simply fabulous and complemented Sellers so well. Here's a brilliant clip that never fails to bring a smile to my face. 
Eric Morecambe says to the cricketer Dennis Lillee who sported a luxuriant moustache:
"Are you aware, sir, that the last time I saw something like that on a top lip, the entire herd had to be destroyed."
"Are you aware, sir, that the last time I saw something like that on a top lip, the entire herd had to be destroyed."
Legendary golfer Lee Trevino on the dangers of lightning - "Just walk on and hold a one iron in the air. Not even God can hit a one iron."
Former Masters Champion Ben Crenshaw in the middle of a barren run - "My aim is so bad right now that when I went fishing last week, my first cast missed the lake!"
On being asked what he was most looking forward to following a tour of India, cricketer Phil Edmonds replied, "A dry fart!"
CroJack
Key Player
I have been asked by a 30 years old man to give him an advice about what makes a man attractive to women.
Here we go:
1. You have to be a good-looking guy. Women subconsciously connect good-looking guys with good genes. And remember, no women want ugly children.
2. If you are either an ugly or average-looking guy, try to compensate it with a good-looking body. Everybody can work-out and build some muscles. Women subconsciously connect a strong body with strong genes. If they can't have beautiful children, then they'll at least have healty and strong children. Also, every woman has an ancient instict, which is to have a man who can protect her from dangerous animals and non friendly tribes.
3. If you are both ugly and physicaly weak, then you have to compensate it with money. Women subconsciously connect money with hunting genes. Having money means that you are a good hunter. You have some skills and you can provide food. If her children have to be ugly and physically weak, then they at least won't be hungry.
4. If you are both ugly, physically weak and poor, then you have to compensate it with a big dick. If a woman has to have ugly, physicaly weak and poor children, then she'll at least have a good fuck.
5. If you are ugly, physicaly weak, poor and have a small dick....., then God help you!
Here we go:
1. You have to be a good-looking guy. Women subconsciously connect good-looking guys with good genes. And remember, no women want ugly children.
2. If you are either an ugly or average-looking guy, try to compensate it with a good-looking body. Everybody can work-out and build some muscles. Women subconsciously connect a strong body with strong genes. If they can't have beautiful children, then they'll at least have healty and strong children. Also, every woman has an ancient instict, which is to have a man who can protect her from dangerous animals and non friendly tribes.
3. If you are both ugly and physicaly weak, then you have to compensate it with money. Women subconsciously connect money with hunting genes. Having money means that you are a good hunter. You have some skills and you can provide food. If her children have to be ugly and physically weak, then they at least won't be hungry.
4. If you are both ugly, physically weak and poor, then you have to compensate it with a big dick. If a woman has to have ugly, physicaly weak and poor children, then she'll at least have a good fuck.
5. If you are ugly, physicaly weak, poor and have a small dick....., then God help you!
Are you trying to tell me something?
CroJack
Key Player
Sorry @ivoralljack , good-looking guys who have a good-looking body, a lot of money and a big d*** don't need an advice how to attract women.Are you trying to tell me something?
That means I need an awful lot of advice.Sorry @ivoralljack , good-looking guys who have a good-looking body, a lot of money and a big d*** don't need an advice how to attract women.
Jergen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool re 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 mins. to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation,scores five goals in 20 mins. and wins the game for Liverpool,the fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted,and the media love him.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her all about his first day in English football-
Hello mum, guess what? I played for 20 mins. today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won, everybody loves me,the fans , the media, they all love me.
"Wonderful" says his mum. Let me tell you bout my day, your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and gang raped and beaten up, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while your having a good time.
The young lad is very upset."What can I say mum , but I am very sorry".
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! says his mum.
It's your fu#%ing fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!.
Two weeks later Liverpool re 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 mins. to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation,scores five goals in 20 mins. and wins the game for Liverpool,the fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted,and the media love him.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her all about his first day in English football-
Hello mum, guess what? I played for 20 mins. today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won, everybody loves me,the fans , the media, they all love me.
"Wonderful" says his mum. Let me tell you bout my day, your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and gang raped and beaten up, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while your having a good time.
The young lad is very upset."What can I say mum , but I am very sorry".
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! says his mum.
It's your fu#%ing fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!.
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The Blobster
Prediction Champ
Warnock and Potter are being interviewed ,
What are your ambitions for the rest of the season ?
I'd like us to win a game ! says Warnock
Win the championship and the fa cup says Potter !
That's a bit over ambitious isn't it ? says the presenter ,
Well he started it says Potter !
What are your ambitions for the rest of the season ?
I'd like us to win a game ! says Warnock
Win the championship and the fa cup says Potter !
That's a bit over ambitious isn't it ? says the presenter ,
Well he started it says Potter !
Borini
Key Player
Love it!