The Joke Thread

Borini

Key Player
Teacher asked what does your dad do? Little Jonny says..my dad's a stripper in a gay bar.
Later teacher says is your dad really a stripper? Jonny says



No he plays football for Cardiff city but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of my friends.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,​

Then You Are Probably the Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual​
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it,
Piss on it and walk away.​
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Cardiff would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Subject: A Laugh A Day.......
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”​
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
This isn't a joke as such but it was funny. My daughter Samantha took Hector (they love each other to bits) for a walk as she always does when she visits. A couple of days ago she recounted the following when I asked how the walk had gone. Bear in mind that he weighs more than she does!

Anyway, Sams was walking H when, in the distance, she could see this guy, a sort of bronzed Adonis, coming her way walking his small pooch. He looks hot, she thought, and carried on towards him adopting a posing, noncholant gait. Trouble was, H had spotted the other pooch and badly wanted to say hello. And there's nothing noncholant about my dog in this sort of situation.

He put his head down and charged up the street almost dragging Sams off her feet. There was nothing she could do to hold him. He barrelled up the pavement with Sams in tow, who was having to take huge, jumping strides to avoid hitting the pavement face first. He's friendly, he's friendly, she screamed at the guy in the midst of her headlong flight. Then H stopped dead to introduce his nose to the object of his affections whilst Sams, unable to stop, fell in a dishevelled heap at the guy's feet. He was grinning all over his face as he helped her up then carried on his way.

There I was trying to play it so cool, Dad, she moaned, and I ended up looking like a complete idiot because of him, she said glaring at Hector. He just smiled at her so pleased with himself, just as he's doing in my avatar. That's my dog!!
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Subject: Fwd: Things have changed!



It had been snowing all night - So ......................:

8:00 am I made a Snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow
woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it
could have been two snowmen instead.

8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow
person with detachable parts.

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the
carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear
a burqa.

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick
of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a
domestic role.

8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with
eviction.

8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now
called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe
sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken
by social services.

9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down
the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

MORAL: THERE IS NO MORAL TO THIS STORY.

IT'S JUST THE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE TODAY AND IT IS GOING TO GET
WORSE UNLESS YOU FIGHT BACK TODAY. THE WAY TO FIGHT BACK IS TO BE
POLITICALLY INCORRECT.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Seen this elsewhere recently but I thought it was so funny I'd post it here.


While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,

"I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,t

"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I’ve ever seen.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."​
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Subject: A Laugh A Day.......
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER:
We will heel you
We will save your sole​
We will even dye for you.​
A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving”​
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”​
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”​
On a Septic Tank Truck:​
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels​
At an Optometrist's Office:​
"If you don't see what you're looking for,​
You've come to the right place.”​
On a Plumber's truck:​
"We repair what your husband fixed.”​
On another Plumber's truck:​
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”​
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:​
"Invite us to your next blowout.”​
On an Electrician's truck:​
"Let us remove your shorts.”​
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and​
will take appropriate action.”​
On a Maternity Room door:​
"Push. Push. Push.”​
At a Car Dealership:​
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”​
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”​
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:​
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”​
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.​
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”​
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”​
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:​
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”​
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”​
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”​
And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:​
“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”​
Genuinely saw this on a sandwich board outside quite a posh restaurant on O'Connell St. in Dublin. 'If you don't come in and eat we'll both starve'
 

The Blobster

Prediction Champ
Meanwhile back in the war , the commanding officer told the troops he'd pay them a pound for every enemy soldier they killed.
Later that night while on sentry duty , Paddy says to Murphy " Keep it Quiet , but there's £ 2000 coming over that hill ! "
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
A flight is on its way to Sydney. when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket'
She then informs the blonde she has only paid for economy class, and will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies," I'm blonde I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here"
The attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo who only has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class but wont move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and explains that because she's only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blond replies I'm blond I'm beautiful and I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.
He goes back to the blonde a whispers in her ear,and she then says "Oh, I'm sorry and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed,and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replies "I told her the first class isn't going to Sydney".
 
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