The Joke Thread

[ivoralljack]

I went to the zoo the other day and an elephant tried to charge me. I told him I'd already paid.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few days of captivity they can train someone to stand on the edge of their pool and throw fish to them.

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

Worrying works! More than 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I often worry about my attention span, but not for long.

My doctor is so considerate. He knows I suffer from anxiety so he put both his hands on my shoulders to comfort me during my prostate exam.

 

[ivoralljack]

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She asked, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

If I had a pound for every woman who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

You know you're not attractive when it comes to a group photo and they hand you the camera.

"Hello, everyone. Welcome to Cosmetic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight."

 

[ivoralljack]

I've finally decided to retire after a long career as a graffiti artist. To be honest, the writing's been on the wall for some time.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

A limbo champion walks into a bar....... and is immediately disqualified.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken?'

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

 

[ivoralljack]

I bought a bag of bird seed nearly two months ago. Anyone know how long it takes the bird to grow?

What's the least sensitive part of the penis? - The man attached to it.

I wrote a book about how to fall down the stairs without hurting yourself. It's a step-by-step guide.

Three months ago, I logged onto a website and ordered the book How to Scam People Online. It still hasn't arrived.

Someone stole my thesaurus. I just can't put into words how angry I am.

 

[ivoralljack]

Children certainly brighten up a home - they never turn the lights off.

I spent a lot of time, money and effort childproofing my house. But the kids still get in.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I thought: 'That sounds like a fair trade.'

If I was a wrestler with triplets I'd name them Niagara, Victoria and The Hunt for Red October, otherwise known as two falls and a sub mission.

 

[ivoralljack]

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

The world champion tongue twister was arrested last week and given a really tough sentence.

Two burglars stole a calendar. They each got six months.

A madman is on the loose after attacking six people with a knitting needle. Police think he may be following some kind of pattern.

A thief has been going round town stealing the wheels off police cars. Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

 

[ivoralljack]

I get very nervous on a first date, which is surprising as they are the only kind I ever have.

In college I lived on a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.

I'll never join an online dating service because I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way....... through alcohol and poor judgement.

Afraid of not getting what you want with online shopping? - wait until you try online dating.

Police discovered the local ice cream man dead in his van covered in raspberry sauce, nuts and hundred and thousands, They think he topped himself.

 

[ivoralljack]

Old people at weddings always poke me and say, You're next." So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious!

The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me. It means a lot.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

[ivoralljack]

On my first day at school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery, There I was....... surrounded by shrubs and flowers.

Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you looking at Jimmy's test paper."
Pupil: "I hope you didn't see me, too."

Teacher: "I told you to stand at the end of the line."
Pupil: "I tried but there was already someone there."

My school was so posh the gym was called james.

What's the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives? Win the lottery.

 

[ivoralljack]

I didn't know my road-worker dad was a thief but, when I got home, all the signs were there.

I'll never forget what my late uncle said to me. He said, "I'm sorry I'm late."

My dad didn't like me much. He only took me fishing once. I remember swimming back to shore and thinking.......

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London zoo.

I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.

 

[KVetch]

I had a neighbor who was a mime, he complained I was making too much noise. So to get even with him I put a blank tape in the stereo and turned the volume up to high.

 

[KVetch]

I was looking at my grandfather in the casket and thinking about batteries. Maybe he's not really dead, maybe he's just in the wrong way.

 

[KVetch]

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

 

[ivoralljack]

My wife was trying on different outfits yesterday and asked me what would make her dress look sexier. I said: "Give it to your sister."

Why are there more organisations against fur clothing than against leather clothing? - Because it's easier to harass rich women than bikers.

I bought a pair of jeans marked '50% off'. There was only one leg.

My girlfriend is always borrowing my T-shirts and sweaters. But, if I take one of her dresses, suddenly it's, "We need to talk".

My partner dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

 

[ivoralljack]

After a great birthday fishing and drinking with my friends, I came home to a very angry wife. Apparently, "Why don't you tie me to the bed and do whatever you want?" had some caveats.......

By way of an experiment, a fisherman friend of mine used liquorice as bait. He caught all sorts.

They demolished the local Domino's Pizza yesterday, and all the other shops in the street fell down.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

My friends tell me that cooking is easy. But it's not easier than not cooking!

 

[ivoralljack]

The best way to serve cabbage is to someone else.

Have you ever got halfway through eating a horse and thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was?"

I was eating outside at a restaurant when it started raining. It took me an hour and a half to finish my soup.

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There are no main courses on the menu - just desserts.

I don't know why everyone keeps complaining about genetically modified food. I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day.

 

[ivoralljack]

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.

I bought my wife a fridge for Xmas. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

There's nothing like the joy on a child's face at Xmas when he first sees the PlayStaion box containing the socks I got him.

I have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I entered what I ate today in my new health and fitness app. It just sent an ambulance to my house.

 

[ivoralljack]

As I left my car in the hospital car park, an attendant came over and told me it was for badge holders only.
I said, "But I've got a bad shoulder."

There's a room at our local hospital where people sit around earnestly reading Scottish poetry. It's the Serious Burns Unit.

Patient: "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things."
Doctor: "Take these pills for a week and if they don't work, I'll have a flat screen TV."

Receptionist to Doctor: "There's a man on the phone says he's invisible."
Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him right now."

If Thomas Edison were alive today, what would he be most famous for? - Being 176 years old.

 

[ivoralljack]

I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me!

You know you live in a rough area when you buy an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up.

I gave an odd-job man a list of 10 things to do around the house but he only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I hate housework. You make the beds; do the dishes; hoover the carpets and mop the floors. Then six months later you have to start all over again.

 

[ivoralljack]

My housekeeping style is best described as: "There appears to have been a struggle."

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman because, if she doesn't have that, I may just have a chance.

Google is just like my wife. It starts suggesting things before I can even finish my sentence.

There was this guy who bought a rug on eBay that was advertised "in mint condition". When it arrived there was a big hole in the middle.