The Joke Thread

Two nuns are on a sightseeing trip driving through Transylvania. A vampire suddenly jumps in front of the car causing them to slam on the brakes. The nun in the driving seat panics, turns to her companion and says, "Quick, Sister, show him your cross!"
The nun in the passenger seat winds down her window and shouts, "Get out of the way you ugly pointy-toothed bastard!"
 
A man at his friend's house notices something in the fridge door. "Why have you got an empty milk bottle in your fridge?" he asks.
"Oh," says his friend, "that's in case someone wants a black coffee."
 
A man visits his miserly friend and finds him stripping his wallpaper off. "Doing some decorating?" he asks.
"No," says his friend, "I'm moving house."
 
A policeman is in court giving evidence. "I was in plain clothes and this woman, the defendant, came up to me and tried to pass this fake £10 pound note."
"Counterfeit?" asked the judge.
"Yes," said the policeman consulting his notebook, "she had two."
 
A man says to his friend, "I'm thinking of getting a Labrador."
"No!" says, his friend. "Don't get one of those. Have you seen how many of the owners end up going blind?"
 
A man walks into a pub and is amazed to see a tiny human, no more than a foot tall, playing the piano. "Wow," says the man to the bartender, "Where did you get him?"
"Well," says the bartender, "I've got a genie in a magic lamp behind the bar and he granted me one wish."
"Really?" says the man. "Would he grant me a wish as well?"
The bartender produces the lamp and the man summons the genie. "Genie," he says, "I want a million pounds." A moment later the bar is filled wall to wall, floor to ceiling with barking, baying dogs.
"NO!" the man yells at the genie, "I want a million pounds not a million hounds."
"Yeah, I think he might be a bit deaf," said the bartender, I didn't really ask him for a twelve inch pianist."
 
A teacher tells a young man off about the homework essay he wrote about his dog, saying it was exactly the same, word for word, as his brother's essay. "Of course it is," says the boy, "it's the same dog!"
 
A man inherits an ancient violin and an oil painting. He takes them to a valuer who says, "This is remarkable. You've got a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt."
"Fantastic!" says the man, "How much are they worth?"
"Fuck all," says the valuer. Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made rubbish violins."
 
A man calls his wife and says. "I've won the lottery. Quick get packing!"
"Fantstic," says his wife, "so am I packing for hot weather or cold?"
"I don't care," says the husband, "just as long as you're gone by the time I get back."
 
A man phones the hospital. "Help" he shouts, "My wife has just gone into labour!"
"Okay," says the receptionist, "calm down. Now is this her first child?"
"No, Stupid," yells the man, This is her husband!"
 
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his hands keep shaking. "Do you drink much?" asks the doctor.
"Not really," says the man, "I tend to spill most of it."
 
A rich old man is out in his car one day. He leans forward to speak to his chauffeur and says: "James, I'm very old and extremely tired of life, so I've decided to commit suicide. Would you drive me over that cliff please."
 
A Scotsman is at home watching telly one evening with his wife. Suddely he gets up, gets ready to go to the pub and tells his wife to put on her coat.
"Oh!" says his surprised wife, "Are you taking me with you tonight then?"
"No," says the man, "I'm turning the heating off while I'm out."
 
A couple were celebrating their wedding anniversary. The husband says, "So what would you like me to get you? A new coat? Diamonds? A new car?"
The wife says, "What I'd really like is a divorce!"
"Oh," the husband says, "to be honest I wasn't planning on spending that much."
 
An old man up in court is found guilty and sentenced to 15 years. "But I won't live to do it," says the man.
"Don't worry,"says the Judge, "just do as much as you can."
 
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snooker ball!"
The Doctor says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to go to the end of the cue."
 
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