The Joke Thread

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
This not a joke but something I read in my newspaper yesterday which really amused me.

This happened at Earls Cove near Vancouver where a brown bear broke into the car of Sharon Rosel who had bought 72 cans of fizzy drinks for her food truck firm and left them on the seat of her car overnight. At about 3 am this large brown beast sniffed them out and glugged 69 of the drinks! :LOL: Sharon said it particularly enjoyed the Orange Crush necking them first. It then moved on to cola, then root beer but was not impressed with the diet cola and left three cans. She said you could hear him slurping and glugging it for an hour and a half. He didn't break the cans open with his paws as you'd think he would. He used his teeth every time. (How close was she to the bear then?) She finished by saying she had no idea that the bear could smell pop through a can. (me neither!!)

I loved that story and gave full marks to the bear for its initiative. :D
 

Behindthegoal

Key Player
Reading Ivor‘s travails with unwanted site visitors reminded me of my mate’s foray into the internet.
He had some nest boxes set up with webcams and used to share videos with us via email.
Next step:- he set up a web site. That was way too popular , tens of thousands of hits!

All because he called it “Titcam”
 

CroJack

Key Player
When I was a child, my mother never took me to a psychologist. She used to slap me in the face to open my chakra, stabilise my karma and clear my aura.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Drama in the Ivor household last night - not a joke but hilarious just the same. A neighbour walking her yappy Yorkie popped in for a coffee. This Yorkie, well known to Hector, insisted on barking into Hector's face whilst he was trying to doze. Hector's too old to play-fight these days and can't be arsed anyway. So he got to his feet, touched noses with the Yorkie then promptly sat on him!! It took the combined efforts of my neighbour and myself to haul my 60 kg hound off her mutt and we could hardly do so we were laughing so much. Pleased to report that the little Yorkie was fine. :LOL:
 

CroJack

Key Player
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." - she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” - she explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
 

CroJack

Key Player
Paul McCartney: vegetarian, 80, alive
John Lennon: meat-eater, 40, dead

The facts speak for themselves.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
This isn't a joke; far from it in fact but this is so unusual it's worth a read.

This woman was mowing her lawn in Silsbee, Texas, when a hawk dropped a snake on her - and then both went on the attack. Peggy Jones was left terrified as the panicked serpent bit her and the hawk clawed to retrieve its prey.

She suffered cuts and puncture wounds to her face and arms as she tried to fight off the flurry of fangs and talons. The ordeal began when the hawk dropped the 4.5ft snake - possibly a rattlesnake - and it curled itself around her arm. She said:

"I was violently shaking my arm trying to get the snake off. It just wrapped and squeezed tighter and tighter and was striking in my face. Then the hawk appeared just as fast as the snake had. It grabbed the snake and pulled like it was going to carry it away while I was screaming the whole time."

The hawk made four dives hitting her in the face with its wings and grabbing with its razor-sharp talons before prising its dinner free. Doctors found the snake had not injected any venom and Peggy was released bandaged and with antibiotics.

What an incredible story. And how lucky was she that the snake didn't inject? I have experience of this from South Africa where many types of venomous snakes abound and you have to learn about the buggers if you go there to live. It seems that snakes don't always inject venom if they don't feel threatened and inflict what is known as a 'dry' bite. I know of a case where a cobra got into a house and because this toddler repeatedly struck it with his rattle, the snake struck. The parents rushed the baby to the hospital where they discovered SIX sets of fang marks on the child. And guess what? Every single one was a dry bite. They surmised that the snake struck to defend itself but, perhaps sensing it was just dealing with a baby, didn't go for the kill. And I heard many similar tales during my time there.

One of my staff there, a young lad, actually kept a baby boomslang (tree snake) as a pet and carried it everywhere in his pocket despite the fact that it packed its full complement of haemotoxic venom, which at that time had no known antidote and that's a fact. That said, I understand that the boomslang is one of the most placid snakes there is. I still thought he was mad!! :eek:

But here's the thing. The snake in the story must have been mightily alarmed being repeatedly attacked and in fear for its life yet still only delivered dry bites. That lady is surely one lucky person.
 

Behindthegoal

Key Player
Johnny says to his mummy “I saw you and daddy in bed together “.
“ Oh, what exactly did you see?”
”Well, daddy was lying down and you were bouncing on top of him”
”Ah, have you noticed daddy has got a bit of a belly? I was forcing the air out of it.”
”Oh, I see. You’ll have to try harder because I’ve seen the au pair blowing him up again “
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Some horrible humour to share with you: :)

Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.

I accidentally took a video of my shoes with my phone the other day. It might sound boring but it was great footage!

My friend bet me £10 to a penny piece that I couldn't do an impression of a butterfly. At those odds I thought it was worth a flutter.
 
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