The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
Nice one!!
The bloke that was killed by a shark whilst on holiday didn't suffer for long. He'd only been married for 10 days.
Behindthegoal
Key Player
CroJack
Key Player
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Bob Monkhouse:
I took my wife to Barbados on a shark fishing trip. She thought it was water-skiing.
I took my wife to Barbados on a shark fishing trip. She thought it was water-skiing.
I once had this girlfriend who was so ugly when we went for a walk in the woods she used to sniff out truffles.
Two jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you but don't start anything.'
Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'We don't serve your types in here.'
William Shakespeare walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I can't serve you - you're Bard.'
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the bartender, 'A pint, please, and one for the road.'
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'
Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'We don't serve your types in here.'
William Shakespeare walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I can't serve you - you're Bard.'
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the bartender, 'A pint, please, and one for the road.'
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'
The past and present walk into a bar but the barman refused to serve them as they were two tense.
An ancient Roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says, 'Five beers please.'
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'll have one beer and a mop.'
A cable TV installer walks into a bar.The bartender says, 'You'll be served sometime between 7 and 1.'
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender asks, 'Olive or twist?'
An ancient Roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says, 'Five beers please.'
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'll have one beer and a mop.'
A cable TV installer walks into a bar.The bartender says, 'You'll be served sometime between 7 and 1.'
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender asks, 'Olive or twist?'
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
A truck carrying snooker equipment has crashed on a motorway. The driver is under a rest and the cues stretch back for miles.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents: accidents in the back seat cause kids.
A truck carrying snooker equipment has crashed on a motorway. The driver is under a rest and the cues stretch back for miles.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents: accidents in the back seat cause kids.
"Doctor, when I wake up I'm all dizzy. Then after half an hour I feel fine.
"Well, wait half an hour before waking up."
"Well, wait half an hour before waking up."
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor last year? - It was just a stage he was going through.
Ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne? My advice: hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that. It works.
When you're arguing with an idiot, try to make sure he isn't doing the same.
Ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne? My advice: hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that. It works.
When you're arguing with an idiot, try to make sure he isn't doing the same.
Never laugh at your partner's choices - you're one of them.
Whisky is a great drink. It makes you see double and feel single.
My father drank so heavily, when he blew on his birhday cake he lit the candles.
Is it okay to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school....... or am I a really bad teacher?
Whisky is a great drink. It makes you see double and feel single.
My father drank so heavily, when he blew on his birhday cake he lit the candles.
Is it okay to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school....... or am I a really bad teacher?
Wife: "What's the idea of coming home half drunk?"
Husband: "Sorry, I ran out of money."
We call my uncle the exorcist, because every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
A drunk wakes up in a police cell and asks the officer: "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," says the officer.
"Great." says the drunk. "Let's get started."
You know you're drunk when you get out of bed and miss the floor.
Husband: "Sorry, I ran out of money."
We call my uncle the exorcist, because every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
A drunk wakes up in a police cell and asks the officer: "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," says the officer.
"Great." says the drunk. "Let's get started."
You know you're drunk when you get out of bed and miss the floor.
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A friend asked me if I could help him round up 29 cows. I said, "Yes of course, that's 30 cows."
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Rubbish! My dogs don't even own bikes.
Dogs have owners; cats have staff.
If, as is often claimed, hippos can run and swim faster than humans, then cycling is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Rubbish! My dogs don't even own bikes.
Dogs have owners; cats have staff.
If, as is often claimed, hippos can run and swim faster than humans, then cycling is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.