The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
Where's Mickey Mouse then?
Denzel had been married for 2 years when his friend asked him i he was still having sex, oh yes he replied.every night. then his friend asked have you tried a little in the other hole. no i couldnt do that he said. shes a vicars daughter, she might like it said his friend. ok said Denzel i'll ask tonight.
next morning he sees his friend who says well did you ask her ,I did said Denzel but she said No. why asked his friend. he replied she said we cant afford to have children yet.
next morning he sees his friend who says well did you ask her ,I did said Denzel but she said No. why asked his friend. he replied she said we cant afford to have children yet.
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
I'd rather have the wife on the sofa with me so we could snuggle up and laugh our socks off at England's failures !
True story!
Listening to a phone-in on the radio this morning and the presenters were talking to someone when there was a large yowl from a cat in the background.
"We must have rung Kurt Zouma by mistake," said one presenter to the other.
Listening to a phone-in on the radio this morning and the presenters were talking to someone when there was a large yowl from a cat in the background.
"We must have rung Kurt Zouma by mistake," said one presenter to the other.
This isn't a joke but it's so funny.
It concerns Thor, a two ton walrus, who's presently visiting our shores (probably recommended by Wally the last walrus who enjoyed his time here). Anyway Thor felt like a rest and decided to have a doze. So lots of parents took their kids to see him in Scarborough over the weekend. And they got more than they bargained for!
Thor's "me time" all proved a bit too much for him. He was caught, and I quote, "performing a solo sex act on the harbour slipway."
I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I read this. What was he doing then? Giving himself a flipper job?
It concerns Thor, a two ton walrus, who's presently visiting our shores (probably recommended by Wally the last walrus who enjoyed his time here). Anyway Thor felt like a rest and decided to have a doze. So lots of parents took their kids to see him in Scarborough over the weekend. And they got more than they bargained for!
Thor's "me time" all proved a bit too much for him. He was caught, and I quote, "performing a solo sex act on the harbour slipway."
I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I read this. What was he doing then? Giving himself a flipper job?
Behindthegoal
Key Player
Forward planning on the Algarve.
CroJack
Key Player
A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
CroJack
Key Player
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
True story:
Top heavyweight of the 60s Willie 'The Wisp' Pastrano had his nickname because he was so fast in the ring with both hand and foot speed. Willie was a natural lightheavy but fought at the higher weight because of more top fights and money to be earned. Now Willie was a very fast cruiserweight so, as you can imagine, he was greased lightning against the heavier, more ponderous bigger fighters.
He came to the UK and was outpointed in a boxing masterclass by Welsh heavyweight Joe Erskine. Now, Joe was literally a boxing master but he just couldn't punch his weight. Had he been able to, undoubtedly he would have been World Champion in an era bristling with top class boxers at almost every weight. Pundits agree that anyone in the top half dozen or so then would have been good enough to be World champ in today's game.
Anyway, Willie revisited the UK some time later and one of his first questions was, "Where is that Welsh guy these days; you know, the one with three left hands and no head!!" Now Joe was a heavyweight and Willie a fast cruiser, so it shows just how fast and skillful Joe was. He was some boxer was Joe. Shame about his punch or lack of it.
Back to Willie who was fighting an all time great, Bob Foster, for the World lightheavyweight title and Willie was having a real bad time of it. The referee came to his corner between rounds and asked Willie if he was okay and did he know where he was. Came the classic reply:
"Damned right I know where I am - in Madison Square Garden getting the shit kicked outta me!!" BRILLIANT!!
Top heavyweight of the 60s Willie 'The Wisp' Pastrano had his nickname because he was so fast in the ring with both hand and foot speed. Willie was a natural lightheavy but fought at the higher weight because of more top fights and money to be earned. Now Willie was a very fast cruiserweight so, as you can imagine, he was greased lightning against the heavier, more ponderous bigger fighters.
He came to the UK and was outpointed in a boxing masterclass by Welsh heavyweight Joe Erskine. Now, Joe was literally a boxing master but he just couldn't punch his weight. Had he been able to, undoubtedly he would have been World Champion in an era bristling with top class boxers at almost every weight. Pundits agree that anyone in the top half dozen or so then would have been good enough to be World champ in today's game.
Anyway, Willie revisited the UK some time later and one of his first questions was, "Where is that Welsh guy these days; you know, the one with three left hands and no head!!" Now Joe was a heavyweight and Willie a fast cruiser, so it shows just how fast and skillful Joe was. He was some boxer was Joe. Shame about his punch or lack of it.
Back to Willie who was fighting an all time great, Bob Foster, for the World lightheavyweight title and Willie was having a real bad time of it. The referee came to his corner between rounds and asked Willie if he was okay and did he know where he was. Came the classic reply:
"Damned right I know where I am - in Madison Square Garden getting the shit kicked outta me!!" BRILLIANT!!
Sorry but I had a brain fart! It wasn't Bob Foster who beat him in that fight, it was another all time great, Jose Torres. It ended Willie's career. He lost quite a few mainly because he was fighting much bigger men to earn bigger money. Like Erskine, Willie lacked a big punch, which might have been because he didn't like to hurt his opponent. He loved pure boxing using his skill to avoid punishment, which naturally, he didn't like, but he actually wasn't happy about inflicting pain on his opponent. Strange but true.
Despite this he became UNDISPUTED WBC, WBA and Ring lightheavy champion between 1963/65. His manager was the legendary Angelo Dundee and therefore Willie sparred many hours with the much bigger Cassius Clay in the latter's early days. Clay/Ali was 6ft 3" to Willie's 5ft 10" and, as he handled Clay in sparring, he figured he might as well fight bigger men for bigger money in his career.
The Torres fight was his last and Willie died young of liver cancer at the age of 62, possibly induced by the horrific beating his body took in that fight. It was a body shot that stopped him in the tenth round. In his private life Willie, who hated training with a passion, was a playboy and a carouser and enjoyed life to the full. But above all he was a fine, top level boxer who fought the best around at his own weight and heavier. RIP, Willie, you made your mark for sure.
Despite this he became UNDISPUTED WBC, WBA and Ring lightheavy champion between 1963/65. His manager was the legendary Angelo Dundee and therefore Willie sparred many hours with the much bigger Cassius Clay in the latter's early days. Clay/Ali was 6ft 3" to Willie's 5ft 10" and, as he handled Clay in sparring, he figured he might as well fight bigger men for bigger money in his career.
The Torres fight was his last and Willie died young of liver cancer at the age of 62, possibly induced by the horrific beating his body took in that fight. It was a body shot that stopped him in the tenth round. In his private life Willie, who hated training with a passion, was a playboy and a carouser and enjoyed life to the full. But above all he was a fine, top level boxer who fought the best around at his own weight and heavier. RIP, Willie, you made your mark for sure.
This relates to post #260 on the Quote thread relating to the infamously tough Glasgow Empire:
Our own Harry Secombe recalled the time he was due to appear there and was really dreading it. He did his act then said, "I have to say that the crowd were with me all the way....... but I managed to shake them off before I got to the station!"
Our own Harry Secombe recalled the time he was due to appear there and was really dreading it. He did his act then said, "I have to say that the crowd were with me all the way....... but I managed to shake them off before I got to the station!"