The Joke Thread

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
A man has just parked his car when up walks a traffic warden who tells him he can't park there.
"Yes I can," says the man. "That sign says 'Fine for Parking.'"
 

ivoralljack

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Staff member
A Polish man is having his eyes tested. The optician puts a chart in front of him with the letters, ZSNYXCSFR.
"Can you read that?" asks the optician.
Read it?" says the man, "I went to school with him!"
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Then there was a nurse who swallowed a razor blade. She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
A man says to a barber that he'd like his hair cut like Tony Curtis. "Certainly, sir," says the barber and begins snipping away whilst the man gets drowsy and eventually falls asleep. When he wakes up and looks in the mirror he's totally horrified. His head is shaven and there's untidy tufts of hair sticking out all over his head.
"Hey," shouts the man, "I asked you to cut my hair like Tony Curtis. This isn't what Tony Curtis looks like!"
"It would be if he came here," says the barber.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
A man walks into a pub with a little Chihuahua on a lead and was told by the landlord that no dogs were allowed.
"But I thought you allowed guide dogs," protested the man.
"We do," says the landlord, " but guide dogs tend to be German Shepherds or Labradors."
"Oh shit!" says the man. "What have they given me this time?"
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Courtesy of 'The Sun' some commentary from the 'Filth Olympics'.

BRONZE - GYMNASTICS: If you're doing a Yurchenko you've got 12 inches to get your hands on.

SILVER - DIVING:
The judges are looking for a vertical entry with the French women.

GOLD - WRESTLING: Duangaksorn Chaidee made us sweat in the snatch, she made us sweat in the clean, it took a while to get into position but that jerk was very powerful.

And don't say you weren't warned!
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Came across the following. It was no joke for the victim but this was the closest thread available:

Ancient Greek playwright Aeschylus filled his tragedies with death, so much so that he was known as “the Father of Tragedy”—and supposedly, his own demise was suitably dramatic. According to writer Valerius Maximus, Aeschylus was hit by a falling tortoise while sitting outside Sicily’s city walls: “An eagle carrying a tortoise was above him. Deceived by the gleam of his hairless skull, it dashed the tortoise against it, as though it were a stone, in order to feed on the flesh of the broken animal.”
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
It is said that 98% of dogs can detect cancer in a human being. It's also believed that cats have a 100% success rate....... but they prefer to see you die.
 

KVetch

Key Player
I'm not sure if I have posted this here, I wrote another joke

"My dad was an Elvis Impersonator.

But he only impersonated the time the Elvis overdosed on the toilet and died."
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Not a joke but I watched an old light-hearted war film on telly last night and I used the subtitle option. A British MTB was being hotly pusued by a German Eboat. The British captain ordered his gunners to open fire with the command, "Rapid salvoes", which came up on the subtitles as "Rabbits Elbows"! I laughed so much I had a stitch. :LOL:
 
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