The Blobster
Prediction Champ
We had a crap team then !
The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
Exactly CJ, if the government deployed Einsteins Theory On Relativity we could be out of this by tomorrow.
Just unearthed an old book of sports' quotations, some funnier than others, and will post them here. I hope some of them entertain or amuse.
He now floats like an anchor and stings like a moth - Ray Gandolfo on Ali still boxing at age of 39.
When you get old, everything is hurting. When I get up in the morning it sounds like I'm making popcorn - Lawrence Taylor American football player....... And about Agents:
Dogs, worms, vermin - Joe Kinnear footballer.
If God had an agent, the world wouldn't be built yet. It'd only be Thursday - Jerry Reynolds American football player.
The terrible thing about my job is that players get 80% of my earnings - Eric Hall football agent.
He now floats like an anchor and stings like a moth - Ray Gandolfo on Ali still boxing at age of 39.
When you get old, everything is hurting. When I get up in the morning it sounds like I'm making popcorn - Lawrence Taylor American football player....... And about Agents:
Dogs, worms, vermin - Joe Kinnear footballer.
If God had an agent, the world wouldn't be built yet. It'd only be Thursday - Jerry Reynolds American football player.
The terrible thing about my job is that players get 80% of my earnings - Eric Hall football agent.
Alcohol:
Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with Bourbon can't be beat - Jay 'Dizzy' Dean US baseball.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt - Dean Martin US singer.
I had a bash at positive thinking, yoga, transcendental thinking, meditation and even hypnotism. They only screwed me up, so I'm back to my normal routine - a few lagers - Leighton Rees, Welsh darts player.
It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up - Ian Wright on team mate Tony Adams' admission to being an alcoholic.
I only drink when we win a trophy. Maybe people think I'm an alcoholic - Ian Ferguson on receiving his 23rd cup-and-league winner's medal with Glasgow Rangers.
Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with Bourbon can't be beat - Jay 'Dizzy' Dean US baseball.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt - Dean Martin US singer.
I had a bash at positive thinking, yoga, transcendental thinking, meditation and even hypnotism. They only screwed me up, so I'm back to my normal routine - a few lagers - Leighton Rees, Welsh darts player.
It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up - Ian Wright on team mate Tony Adams' admission to being an alcoholic.
I only drink when we win a trophy. Maybe people think I'm an alcoholic - Ian Ferguson on receiving his 23rd cup-and-league winner's medal with Glasgow Rangers.
It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming - John Steinbeck US novelist.
It is very strange, and very melancholy, that the paucity of human pleasures should persuade us ever to call hunting one of them - Samuel Johnson British lexicographer.
A man who can in cold blood hunt and torture a poor innocent animal, cannot feel much compassion for the distresses of his own species - Frederick II the Great, King of Prussia. PERSONAL NOTE: It is a well known fact that the great majority of serial killers tortured and killed animals in their youth.
Detested sport that owes its pleasures to another's pain - William Cowper British poet.
Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow-creatures is amusing in itself - J A Froude British historian.
No sportsman wants to kill a fox or the pheasant as I want to kill him when I see him doing it - George Bernard Shaw Irish playwright and critic.
It is very strange, and very melancholy, that the paucity of human pleasures should persuade us ever to call hunting one of them - Samuel Johnson British lexicographer.
A man who can in cold blood hunt and torture a poor innocent animal, cannot feel much compassion for the distresses of his own species - Frederick II the Great, King of Prussia. PERSONAL NOTE: It is a well known fact that the great majority of serial killers tortured and killed animals in their youth.
Detested sport that owes its pleasures to another's pain - William Cowper British poet.
Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow-creatures is amusing in itself - J A Froude British historian.
No sportsman wants to kill a fox or the pheasant as I want to kill him when I see him doing it - George Bernard Shaw Irish playwright and critic.
Our beloved game hasn't always met with approval down the ages....... especially with Royalty. 
Footballe, wherein nothing but beastlie furie and extreme violence: wherefore it is to be put into perpetual silence. For as much as there is great noise in the city caused by hustling over large balls, from which many evils might arise: which God forbid. - Edward II King of England by Royal Decree of 1314.
It is statute and ordained that in na place of the Realme there be used Futeball, Golfe or other sik unproffitable sportes - James IV King of Scotland by Royal Decree of 1491.
No foteball player be used or suffered within the City of London and the liberties thereof upon pain of imprisonment - Elizabeth I Queen of England by Royal Decree of 1572.
I debarre all rough and violent exercises, as the foot-ball meeter for mameing than making able users thereof - James I King of England and Scotland (as James VI) by Royal Decree 1603.
Interesting that there are four different rulers with four different spellings of 'football'.
Footballe, wherein nothing but beastlie furie and extreme violence: wherefore it is to be put into perpetual silence. For as much as there is great noise in the city caused by hustling over large balls, from which many evils might arise: which God forbid. - Edward II King of England by Royal Decree of 1314.
It is statute and ordained that in na place of the Realme there be used Futeball, Golfe or other sik unproffitable sportes - James IV King of Scotland by Royal Decree of 1491.
No foteball player be used or suffered within the City of London and the liberties thereof upon pain of imprisonment - Elizabeth I Queen of England by Royal Decree of 1572.
I debarre all rough and violent exercises, as the foot-ball meeter for mameing than making able users thereof - James I King of England and Scotland (as James VI) by Royal Decree 1603.
Interesting that there are four different rulers with four different spellings of 'football'.
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
Dianne Abbott is suing Tesco
For putting her signature on hot cross buns .
For putting her signature on hot cross buns .
Frank had planned to go on a 4 day fishing trip with his three mates, three days before he was due to go his wife put her foot down and told him he wasn't going.Three days later Franks two friends arrive at the camp site only to find Frank there , tent set up and fish in the frying pan.What changed her mind they enquired. Frank said two nights ago whilst I was laying in bed his wife came behind him a put her hands over his eyes and said "guess who" then when I looked she was wearing a see through nightdress, and had brought some rope and handcuffs to bed,She said tie and cuff me to the bed and do what you want. And here I am.
Guy goes into a bar with his pet alligator, puts it up on the bar and says " I'll put my genitals in his mouth and close his mouth for one minute if you will buy me a few drinks, this is agreed, he drops his trousers puts his genitals in the alligators mouth closes the alligators mouth and stands there for one minute, he then got a beer bottle and hit the alligator over the head as hard as he could,the alligator opened its mouth and he took out his genitals intact.He then offered £100 to anyone who would attempt this.The bar went quiet, then a woman at the back of the bar put her hand up and said I'll give it a try as long as you don't hit me as hard as that with the beer bottle.
Stealing twin brothers jokes not allowed ! see joke 208.