Borini
Key Player
Memory goes at my ageStealing twin brothers jokes not allowed ! see joke 208.
Yours still works though!
The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
Yours still works though!
Behindthegoal
Key Player
It was equally funny the second time.
A doctor husband and wife were having a major argument at the breakfast table,eventually he gets up says " And your useless in bed" and storms out.
Later feeling guilty about what he'd said he rang her up, it rang for quite a while before she answered, you were a long time answering he said, I was in bed she replied, getting a second opinion.
Later feeling guilty about what he'd said he rang her up, it rang for quite a while before she answered, you were a long time answering he said, I was in bed she replied, getting a second opinion.
Paddy & Murphy are on a cruise.
Murphy says" its very quiet on deck tonight, just us."
Paddy says "They've probably all gone to listen to the band"
Murphy says "there isn't a band on this ship"
Paddy says "So there is,an hour or so ago when you were having a nap, a lot of the crew going around telling everyone " a band on ship".
Murphy says" its very quiet on deck tonight, just us."
Paddy says "They've probably all gone to listen to the band"
Murphy says "there isn't a band on this ship"
Paddy says "So there is,an hour or so ago when you were having a nap, a lot of the crew going around telling everyone " a band on ship".
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
Paddy and Murphy were in the airport waiting for their flight.
Paddy says I wish I'd brought our telly,
Murphy says bored waiting is it Paddy ?
No he replied , I left our passports on top of it !
Paddy says I wish I'd brought our telly,
Murphy says bored waiting is it Paddy ?
No he replied , I left our passports on top of it !
Paddy is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord" he prays,I cant stand this any more,If you open up a space for me I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday.
Suddenly the clouds part and the sun shines on a empty parking space, Without hesitation Paddy looks up and says,"Forget all that Lord, I've just found one.
"Lord" he prays,I cant stand this any more,If you open up a space for me I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday.
Suddenly the clouds part and the sun shines on a empty parking space, Without hesitation Paddy looks up and says,"Forget all that Lord, I've just found one.
Behindthegoal
Key Player
I’m reporting this thread to the Race Relations Board!
Tony's wife is alone at home when the door bell rings, she opens the door and there's a guy who says Hi I'm Chris Tony's friend.
she informs him Tony is out for a while but he could come in and wait ,so he did. After a while he said "you have lovely breasts, I'd give a £100 to see one." she thinks about this and decides to show him, she pulls her robe to one side for a few seconds and he threw a £100 on the table. After a little while he asked if she'd show him them both for another £100, she agreed and opened her robe fully.A little while later he decided he couldn't wait any longer to see Tony and left.
Later when Tony came home his wife informed him his friend Chris had called but couldn't wait, that's a pity said Tony I would have liked to have seen him, did he leave the £200 he owes me by any chance.
she informs him Tony is out for a while but he could come in and wait ,so he did. After a while he said "you have lovely breasts, I'd give a £100 to see one." she thinks about this and decides to show him, she pulls her robe to one side for a few seconds and he threw a £100 on the table. After a little while he asked if she'd show him them both for another £100, she agreed and opened her robe fully.A little while later he decided he couldn't wait any longer to see Tony and left.
Later when Tony came home his wife informed him his friend Chris had called but couldn't wait, that's a pity said Tony I would have liked to have seen him, did he leave the £200 he owes me by any chance.
Lessons from Coronavirus
The world has turned upside down.
Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighbourhood! Those are your neighbours without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can't eat out, now's the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy.
We're quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants - I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what's the weather this weekend? Alexa: It doesn't matter - you're not going anywhere.
I swear my fridge just said "what the hell do you want now?"
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food.
We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers.
And we get really excited about car rides.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
> --------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> --------------------------
> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
> --------------------------
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> --------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
> --------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> --------------------------
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
> --------------------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
> --------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
> --------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> --------------------------
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
> --------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
> --------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> --------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> --------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
> --------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
> --------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
> --------------------------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> --------------------------
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
> --------------------------
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> --------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.
> -------------------------
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
> --------------------------
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
> --------------------------
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
> "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
>
>
> --------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> --------------------------
> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
> --------------------------
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> --------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
> --------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> --------------------------
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
> --------------------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
> --------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
> --------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> --------------------------
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
> --------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
> --------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> --------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> --------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
> --------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
> --------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
> --------------------------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> --------------------------
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
> --------------------------
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> --------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.
> -------------------------
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
> --------------------------
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
> --------------------------
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
> "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
>
>
When you think about it, God must be the greatest inventor of all time.
He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
My wife said, "What are you doing today?"
I said, "Nothing!"
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."
I said, "Nothing!"
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."
SteveCooper
Squad Player
What had 24 legs in the morning, 36 legs in the afternoon and 280 legs in the evening?
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
When I go I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car !
My thanks to planet swans for that one
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car !
My thanks to planet swans for that one
SteveCooper
Squad Player
Barry Fry at the all you can eat shrimp and crab buffet.
A warm welcome to the forum, Steve. Must admit I did a double-take at your name before approving.
I hope you enjoy your time with us. We're not many on here but they're all a great bunch of guys and easy to get along with.
SteveCooper
Squad Player
Awfully sorry for your loss mate. I'll never forget my granddad's last words, "Stop calling me your grandpa."When I go I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car !
My thanks to planet swans for that one
Course the saddest day of my life was the day after my sister died and we had to peel her little stick figure off the back of the car.
I'm a pretty easy going lad myself. Like to go down to the pub and share a pint and a laugh with me self.A warm welcome to the forum, Steve. Must admit I did a double-take at your name before approving.
Borini
Key Player
At least you can laugh at your own jokes!
Welcome to the forum Steve, hope you enjoy your stay, look forward to your comments.