The Joke Thread

ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Some jokes are just plain funny (to some folk anyway) but my favourites are those that create some kind of imagery. Anyway this is a version of one of my all time favourites.

The late Duke of Norfolk was manager of the MCC team touring Australia in 1962/63. Being an avid racegoer he'd often lease a horse to run in the local meeting if there was a racecourse near the cricket ground his team was playing at. As it happens, MCC was playing South Australia at Adelaide near which was a racecourse called Gawlor and the Duke had a horse running there.

Spotting his horse in a quiet part of the paddock the Duke, resplendent in pinstriped suit, panama hat and MCC ribbons walked over but, as he approached, to his horror he saw the trainer put his hand in his pocket and give the horse something to eat! He thought, "Oh my God, I'm a member of the Jockey Club at home." He marched up and and said, "I hope you haven't given him anything you shouldn't have, trainer."

"No, no, Your Grace," said the trainer, "I just gave him a lump of sugar. I'm going to eat one myself. Would you like one too, Your Grace?"

The Duke thought he'd better humour him so he ate the lump of sugar, chatted briefly about the race then went off to watch it from the grandstand.

Meantime the jockeys mounted their steeds and the trainer said to his rider, "Look, this is a 7 furlong race. I want you to sit easy in the middle of the pack for 5 furlongs then for the last two bring him out and give him all you've got!! And don't worry if anything passes you after that. It'll either be me or The Duke of Norfolk!!" :LOL:
 
CroJack

CroJack

Key Player
Lady hairdresser --> closed
Pedicure --> closed
Manicure --> closed
Beauty salons & shops --> closed
Spas and wellness --> closed
Fitness & yoga --> closed

Imagine what women will look like when the coronavirus epidemic is over.

The real Apocalypse is coming.
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
When Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson, Australia's fast bowlers who always operated in tandem, were at the height of their fame they were interviewed together on Aussie television. At one point, the interviewer asked Lillee: 'Tell me, Dennis, what would you do if you discovered you had only 30 minutes to live?"

Lillee replied: "I'd make love to the first thing that moved!"

The interviewer turned to Thomson and asked: "And what would you do, Jeff?"

Thommo replied: "I wouldn't move for half an hour!"
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
“Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway 🏝​
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He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave 🛫​
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Caught AIDS in Philadelphia 💉​
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He was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan;​
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He went to Vietnam and rescued Lieutenant Dan 🔫​
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Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates 🚢​
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survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon 🚀​
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Landed a Boeing on the Hudson River✈​
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If that son of a bitch dies of coronavirus 👑🦠, we are ALL IN TROUBLE!!!” :eek::eek:​
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ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
I know this is old but it's still funny and, God knows, we all need to smile in these desperate times. :)


1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before
marriage and after marriage.
 
Jackflash

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Does anyone know how long toilet paper will last if you freeze it ??
Oh yes, forgot to mention it, dont forget the clocks go back on Sunday, so you get an extra hour indoors.
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
This is an old one but still as true as ever. I guess we are all bored with staying indoors and not even having any sport to watch makes it worse! So I'll try and find stuff to post on the forum to hopefully provide a little interest to some of you.


*An Obituary printed in the London* *Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!* 👌👌

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
 
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