The Joke Thread

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Husband & wife bought some various flavoured condoms.
That night the husband says " I'll put one on in the dark and you can guess what flavour it is"
He puts the light out, she takes it in her mouth, within two seconds says "Gorgonzola"
Hang on he says, "I haven't put it on yet."
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Stupid Question...
Excellent Answer !!

General Sir Peter John Cosgrove, AK, MC (born 28 July 1947) is a retired senior Australian Army officer and the 26th and current Governor-General of Australia
He was sworn in on 28 March 2014, and made a Knight of the
Order of Australia the same day
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General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV by Leigh Sales from the ABC.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why,
they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
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The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Had a leaflet through my letterbox this morning informing me I can have sex at 73.
This was brilliant news as I live in number 71.
It's not far to walk home afterwards, and its on the same side of the street, and I don't even have to cross the road.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding tour of Israel. While on tour in Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats, you can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for just $100,
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes.
Then they tell the undertaker they want him shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and only cost $100 ?
The diplomat replied. Long ago a man died here, he was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead and walked.
We just can't take that chance.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Father "What do you want to be when you grow up Son"
Son. " I want to be a pizza delivery boy or a plumber "
Father " Stop watching porn Son"
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Husband is looking at his wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly ,hair in a mess and smoking a roll up.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
He says you re a mess and I'm disgusted with you.
I'm still the woman you love and married she said, sometimes we let ourselves go a little..
We're on our f##king honeymoon he replied.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Two women talking, one ask the other "how did you meet your husband"
The other replied "I am a pharmacist, and he came in to buy condoms, he asked for XXXXL, and it was only after we got married I discovered he occasionally stutters."
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who said:

"I'm very sorry - I must have taken Lief off my census."
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
SOLITUDE. It's not for everyone.
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My wife is deaf and dumb and she has just walked out and left me for a deaf and dumb man. I blame myself - I should have read the signs!
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My friend Sid has started calling himself "S". He says he has no choice - someone's stolen his ID.
 
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