The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
An old one you've probably heard before.
A crocodile trainer at the zoo did a exhibition for the crowd, he opened the crocs mouth put his dick into the crocs mouth then gave the croc an almighty crack on the head with a hammer, the crocs mouth stayed open to great applause from the crowd. he then asked if anyone in the crowd would like to try it. A little old lady put her hand up and said I'll give it a try, as long as you don't hit me too hard with the hammer.
A crocodile trainer at the zoo did a exhibition for the crowd, he opened the crocs mouth put his dick into the crocs mouth then gave the croc an almighty crack on the head with a hammer, the crocs mouth stayed open to great applause from the crowd. he then asked if anyone in the crowd would like to try it. A little old lady put her hand up and said I'll give it a try, as long as you don't hit me too hard with the hammer.
Good old Blueturds, always good for a laugh.
Borini
Key Player
What a crap keeper his positioning was shocking !!
If your talking about their first goal you cant blame the keeper. No one would believe a Cardiff player could kick a ball that far.
Borini
Key Player
No I am talking about the miniature Smith Smithies.If your talking about their first goal you cant blame the keeper. No one would believe a Cardiff player could kick a ball that far.
Behindthegoal
Key Player
2020 the year we absorbed more alcohol through our hands than our mouth.
Murphy worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After 6 months the therapist gave up. He advised Murphy to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Murphy tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired. Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said: "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Murphy explained: "I think she got fired too."
After 6 months the therapist gave up. He advised Murphy to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Murphy tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired. Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said: "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Murphy explained: "I think she got fired too."
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
Husband says: "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
Why doesn't a witch wear any knickers ?
For a better grip on her broom !
For a better grip on her broom !
Behindthegoal
Key Player
While on business in Africa this guy decided he wanted to play golf in the bush.
He fetches up at a golf course and when asked said his handicap was 16. OK, says the pro, go round with this caddy.
“Joe, this is Paul, his handicap is 16.”
On the first hole the caddy says “it’s best to avoid the right.” Of course that’s exactly where he went, under a tree. Luckily the caddy spotted a snake in the tree and shot it dead.
The second hole, the advice was don’t go left. Guess what? In the rough on the left, he has just played his second when the caddy shot a charging hyena.
At the par 3 third, his shot is on the bank of a lake. As he plays his ball a crocodile takes a lump out of his leg.
”Joe, why didn’t you shoot it?”
”Sorry, boss, this hole is stroke index 17, so you don’t get a shot.”
He fetches up at a golf course and when asked said his handicap was 16. OK, says the pro, go round with this caddy.
“Joe, this is Paul, his handicap is 16.”
On the first hole the caddy says “it’s best to avoid the right.” Of course that’s exactly where he went, under a tree. Luckily the caddy spotted a snake in the tree and shot it dead.
The second hole, the advice was don’t go left. Guess what? In the rough on the left, he has just played his second when the caddy shot a charging hyena.
At the par 3 third, his shot is on the bank of a lake. As he plays his ball a crocodile takes a lump out of his leg.
”Joe, why didn’t you shoot it?”
”Sorry, boss, this hole is stroke index 17, so you don’t get a shot.”
Behindthegoal
Key Player
On the Gump side.
Life is like a Willy.
Sometimes it’s hard.
But not for long.
Life is like a Willy.
Sometimes it’s hard.
But not for long.
Guy buys a talking centipede for £1000. and takes it home in a small box.
After about an hour later he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".
The centipede doesn't answer.
Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.
Getting angry thinking he's been done, he shouts the question out loudly.
At which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says,
" I heard you the first time I'm putting my f##king shoes on.
After about an hour later he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".
The centipede doesn't answer.
Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.
Getting angry thinking he's been done, he shouts the question out loudly.
At which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says,
" I heard you the first time I'm putting my f##king shoes on.
Guy has a very bad accident on his motorcycle, on regaining consciousness in hospital ,he looks down between legs and sees there's nothing there. a hospital doctor then informs him of his loss, but telling him how lucky he is that his accident happened so close to that hospital, as it was the only hospital in the country that specialised in penal replacement.
the doctor then goes on to say they have three replacements in the freezer an English one, just a run of the mill one at £ 200, or there's a Scottish one that had lived all its life under a kilt at £500 then we have the typical West Indian one at £5000, the guy says he'll have to discuss this with his wife and give him an answer in the morning.
The next day the doctor visits him and asks, well which is it going to be. The guy reluctantly answers. A new kitchen.
the doctor then goes on to say they have three replacements in the freezer an English one, just a run of the mill one at £ 200, or there's a Scottish one that had lived all its life under a kilt at £500 then we have the typical West Indian one at £5000, the guy says he'll have to discuss this with his wife and give him an answer in the morning.
The next day the doctor visits him and asks, well which is it going to be. The guy reluctantly answers. A new kitchen.
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
You've all heard the Ian Dury song "Hit me with your rhythm stick ," but have you heard the Irish version ?
Its called " Hit me with your shovel Mick !"
Its called " Hit me with your shovel Mick !"
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 4/6 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the even numbered side of the street today to allow the snowplough to get through."
Bobs wife goes out and puts the car on the even numbered side of the street.
About a week later was another announcement saying 6/8 inches of snow forecast and you must park your car on the odd number side of the street.
to allow the snowplough to get through.
Once again Bobs wife goes out and parks the car on the odd numbered side of the street.
A week or so they are having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8/10 inches of snow so you must park...then they have a power cut and the radio goes off,
Bobs wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face and says " Honey, I don't know what to do, which side of the street do i need to park on?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all married men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob Says " why don't you just leave it in the garage this time ?
"We are going to have 4/6 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the even numbered side of the street today to allow the snowplough to get through."
Bobs wife goes out and puts the car on the even numbered side of the street.
About a week later was another announcement saying 6/8 inches of snow forecast and you must park your car on the odd number side of the street.
to allow the snowplough to get through.
Once again Bobs wife goes out and parks the car on the odd numbered side of the street.
A week or so they are having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8/10 inches of snow so you must park...then they have a power cut and the radio goes off,
Bobs wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face and says " Honey, I don't know what to do, which side of the street do i need to park on?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all married men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob Says " why don't you just leave it in the garage this time ?
