The Joke Thread

[ivoralljack]

Phoned for a takeaway earlier. This Chinese guy came walking up the drive with my order, so I went to meet him.

He shouted at me, "Isolate, Isolate."

I said, "No you're not, mate, I only ordered 15 minutes ago."

 

[Jackflash]

Counsellor: Well Mrs Jones, what have you learned from your husbands death.?

Widow : Brown is live and blue is neutral.

 

[Jackflash]

He said ....... I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
She said....... You wear underpants don't you.?

He said ....... shall we try swopping positions tonight?
She said ....... Thats a good idea,..you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said...... what have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
she said...... turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said........ why are married women heavier than single women?
She said .......single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home ,see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.

 

[Jackflash]

Paddy goes to evening classes to improve his english vocabulary .
He has the question ........use these three words in a sentence.... Defence ...Defeat...Detail.
"Easy" says Paddy, "When the cow jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."

 

[CroJack]

We've got a tax on breathing.

If you breath through a mask the tax is 50p, and without a mask £2000.

 

[Jackflash]

Took a girl home last night, after a few drink at mine we went up stairs, as we were stripping off a voice came from the bed and said " I hope that's not that big fat one from last week". She said "What the hell was that"
I said "It's that it's that bloody memory foam mattress".

 

[Behindthegoal]

A friend of mine has recently moved into a care home. I Skyped him the other day to see how he was getting on..
”it’s great! The staff and other residents are really friendly. The food is excellent choice of three mains for lunch and dinner,”
”how are you sleeping?”
”Straight through. They give me hot chocolate and a viagra pill in the evening.”
iI thought that was a bit strange so I asked the matron about it later.
She said, “that’s right. The hot chocolate helps them sleep and the viagra stops them rolling out of bed.“

 

[Jackflash]

" Mr Murphy, I have reviewed this case very carefully" the divorce court judge said, "and I have decided to give your wife £575 a week"
"that's very fair your honour" the husband said" and every now and then I will try to send her a few quid myself."

 

[CroJack]

 

[CroJack]

I had a strange dream.

It's 2021., and there is this stomach virus. We all wear diapers, and with a bit of melancholy remember how good life we had in 2020. when we wore face masks.

 

[CroJack]

How to fool a monkey.

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[CroJack]

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[CroJack]

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads:
'I have no work, I have a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali says:
'No wonder you only get £2- £3'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign....

It reads:

'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

 

[CroJack]

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.

Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said "My poor friend, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and says, “Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"

 

[CroJack]

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[Jackflash]

Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask.
I mean, I wear underpants.

 

[Jackflash]

A middle age couple were having breakfast one morning when the wife asked him "If I died would marry again"
He replied "I'm not going to answer silly questions like that"
Throughout the week she repeatedly asked him the same question, and got the same answer.
Eventually after her constant questions he said "yes I would".
She then asked "would you sell the house?" He replied "no of course not"
She then asked " would you sell our bed?" He replied "no"
She then said "you wouldn't let her use my golf clubs would you"
He replied "of course not, besides she's left handed anyway".

 

[Behindthegoal]

There was this golfer who hit his drive out of bounds on the adjacent fairway. But when he went to retrieve the ball hello got halfway then turned back.
He told his playing partner “ it’s a bit embarrassing, my wife is on that fairway playing with my bit on the side. Would you mind?”
But his partner also turns back at halfway. “Small world, isn’t it?”

 

[Jackflash]

Man rings his friend in tears.
I can't believe it he sobbed, my wife has left me for my golfing partner.
Get a grip of yourself man, his friend said, there's plenty more women out there.
Man says, who's talking about her. He's the only one I could ever beat.

 

[Behindthegoal]

I’m playing a tight golf match, all square after 17. Hello drives into the rough, I’m safely on the fairway. We spend a while looking for his ball. Hello says “you play your shot, if I can’t find mine in a minute, I’ll go back and play 3 off the tee.”
i play my second onto the green, 15foot past the pin. He shouts “found it” and ends up a foot from the hole. Of course I don‘t hole my putt, but he does to win the match.
The question is- how do I tell the cheating xxxxx, I’ve got his ball in my pocket?