The Joke Thread

[ivoralljack]

During the war two British POWs are taken for questioning. One is taken into the interrogation room and the other one hears:
"You vill answer ze question!" Slap! Slap! Slap!
"You vill answer ze question!" Slap! Slap! Slap!
"You vill answer ze question!" Slap! Slap! Slap!
"Stop hitting me and just answer ze question!"

 

[ivoralljack]

A drunk falls from the tenth floor of a building. A crowd quickly gathers around him and a policeman forces his way through them.
"What happened here?" he asks the drunk.
"Don't ask me, I've only just got here," the man replies.

 

[ivoralljack]

Two men are walking down a country lane and one of them asks the other what he'd do if a bird shat on his head.
"I'd probably never go out with her again," came the reply.

 

[KVetch]

I heard 2 people were shot by a crossbow in London last week. I would expect that kind of thing in Nottingham, surely not London though.

 

[ivoralljack]

The gamekeeper catches a poacher by the side of a lake. "I saw you," says the gamekeeper, "you were just plucking that bird and when you saw me approaching, you threw it into the lake."
"No," says the man, "I'd never do that. The duck was my friend."
The gamekeeper says, "What do you mean? How do you explain why you're standing in a pile of feathers?"
"That's easy," says the man, "my friend the duck wanted to go for a swim and asked me to mind his clothes."

 

[ivoralljack]

One morning a barber is hard at work when a man pops his head round the door and asks him how long it would be before he could get his hair cut. The barber looking at the waiting row of men tells him it would be at least two hours. The man nods and leaves.
The following day, again at the busiest period, the man calls in and asks the same question and gets the same answer. This carries on for a week until the barber instructs his assistant to follow the man to see where he goes.
"Well?" asks the barber when his assistant returns, "Did you find out where he goes?"
"Yes," replies his assistant, "he goes to your house."

 

[ivoralljack]

A man walks into a hardware shop and asks for some nails. "Okay," says the assistant, "how long do you want them?"
"Well," says the man, "I was hoping I could keep them."

 

[ivoralljack]

A man is looking around a care home for the mentally infirm. He asked the Director how he decided how someone should be committed there.
"Well," says the Director, "we fill a bathtub full of water and offer the person a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask him to empty the tub."
"I see," says the man, "a normal person would choose the bucket because it carries more water!"
"No," says the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug out. So do want a bed near the window or the door?"

 

[ivoralljack]

A man is having his broken hand attended to by the doctor. He asks, "Tell me, doctor, will I be able to play the piano when my hand gets better?"
"Oh yes," says the doctor, "I certainly expect so."
"That's great!" exclaims the man, "I couldn't before."

 

[ivoralljack]

An extremely obese woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. She's rather ashamed of her appearance and apologises saying:
"I'm sorry, doctor, I've rather let myself go."
"Not at all," says the doctor holding up a tongue depressor, "now just open your mouth and say 'Mooo'!"

 

[The Blobster]

I pinned a map of the world to my dart board and told my wife to throw a dart and wherever it lands we will go there for our summer vacation.



This summer we will spend 2 weeks behind the sofa !

 

[ivoralljack]

You must have missed post #677

 

[Behindthegoal]

Always better second time around. Or in this case, thousandth

 

[ivoralljack]

A man tells his friend, "My wife is terrible, she's always asking me for money. Every morning, noon and night she never stops."
"Good grief!" exclaims his friend, "What does she spend it all on?"
"I don't know," says the man, "I never give her any."

 

[ivoralljack]

A man tells his friend, "I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a serious heart attack at home she sent a letter requesting an ambulance....... by second class post!"

 

[ivoralljack]

A comrade has saved his money to buy a car and goes to the State showroom to order it.
"You car will be delivered in seven years," says the salesman.
"Will that be in the morning?" asks the comrade.
"What difference does it make?" says the salesman.
"I have to know," says the comrade, "I've got the plumber coming in the afternoon."

 

[ivoralljack]

A vicar is booking into a hotel. As he signs the register he says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No!" raps the receptionist, it's just normal porn, you sick bastard."

 

[ivoralljack]

A woman is sitting in bed when her husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "This," he says, "is the pig I make love to when you say you have a headache."
"I think," says his wife, "you'll find that that is a sheep."
"I was talking to the sheep," says the man.

 

[ivoralljack]

A man phones his friend and invites him to come over and play with his new dog.
"Okay," says the friend, "does the dog bite?"
"That's what I want to find out," says the man.

 

[ivoralljack]

A man bumps into a friend as he hurries down the sreet. I'm going to the doctors," he says, "I don't like the look of my wife."
"I'll come with you," says his friend, "I can't stand the sight of mine."