The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships. It's called Scarf Ace.
My boss says he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it's going to be me.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think that maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor said I needed more exercise. So now I watch tennis on TV.
My boss says he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it's going to be me.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think that maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor said I needed more exercise. So now I watch tennis on TV.
A man standing at a bar tells the barman, "My wife made me a millionaire."
"Oh, really?" says the barman. "So what were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," says the man.
I asked the vet to cut off my dog's tail. "Why should I do that?" he asked.
I said, "My mother-in-law is visiting tomorrow and I don't want her to think she's welcome."
A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. She asks him to give her two weeks to think about it. Two weeks later he calls her again to ask if she'll marry him and finds she has recently become his new step-mother.
"Oh, really?" says the barman. "So what were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," says the man.
I asked the vet to cut off my dog's tail. "Why should I do that?" he asked.
I said, "My mother-in-law is visiting tomorrow and I don't want her to think she's welcome."
A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. She asks him to give her two weeks to think about it. Two weeks later he calls her again to ask if she'll marry him and finds she has recently become his new step-mother.
The phone rings at the police station and a panic-stricken voice says: "Help. Police! This is an emergency and you must come quick. A burglar has broken into old Mrs Riley's house and the old woman has managed to trap him in her bedroom,"
"I see," says the policeman, "and who is this calling?"
The voice says, "It's the burglar."
A little boy asks Miss Thomson, his teacher if he can have a cigarette. "Certainly not," says the teacher, "do you want to get me into trouble?"
"If you like," says the boy. "But I'd rather have a cigarette."
"I see," says the policeman, "and who is this calling?"
The voice says, "It's the burglar."
A little boy asks Miss Thomson, his teacher if he can have a cigarette. "Certainly not," says the teacher, "do you want to get me into trouble?"
"If you like," says the boy. "But I'd rather have a cigarette."
Behindthegoal
Key Player
That put me in mind of Old Mother Riley who was a drag act eons ago. There was a cartoon in Film Fun as well. I only knew the magazine and for a long time thought he was a real female
I remember Film Fun as well, a comic book I used to read quite often. Thinking back wasn't her daughter, niece, or whomever, called Nancy?
Behindthegoal
Key Player
I thought Kitty
Yes, you're right; I was wrong.
A man is home with his mother-in-law one day when she suddenly announces that she'd decided to be cremated.
"No problem," says the man, "get your coat."
A soldier reports the loss of his rifle to his commanding officer. "We'll stop the cost of it from your pay, " the CO tells him.
"But what if I lost an armoured car?" protests the soldier. "Same thing, we'd stop the value of it from your wages," came the reply.
"Fuck me," stutters the soldier, "so that's why a captain always goes down with his ship!"
"No problem," says the man, "get your coat."
A soldier reports the loss of his rifle to his commanding officer. "We'll stop the cost of it from your pay, " the CO tells him.
"But what if I lost an armoured car?" protests the soldier. "Same thing, we'd stop the value of it from your wages," came the reply.
"Fuck me," stutters the soldier, "so that's why a captain always goes down with his ship!"
KVetch
Key Player
I don't understand why digging your own grave is considered a bad thing. I think it's the most considerate thing you can do, plus you're saving your family money.
A man goes to a psychiatrist who takes out a Rorschach ink blot test from his desk. He says, "Look at this and tell me what you see."
The man says, "That's a man and a woman having sex on a bed."
"Okay," says the shrink and passes him another ink blot test.
The man says, "That's a man and a woman having sex on the beach."
The shrink shows him a third ink blot.
"That's a man and a woman having sex in the park," responds the man.
"Well," says the shrink, "you seem to have an obsession with sex."
"What do you mean I have an obsession with sex," protests the man, "you're the one who keeps showing me dirty pictures!"
The man says, "That's a man and a woman having sex on a bed."
"Okay," says the shrink and passes him another ink blot test.
The man says, "That's a man and a woman having sex on the beach."
The shrink shows him a third ink blot.
"That's a man and a woman having sex in the park," responds the man.
"Well," says the shrink, "you seem to have an obsession with sex."
"What do you mean I have an obsession with sex," protests the man, "you're the one who keeps showing me dirty pictures!"
A man is sitting on a plane that is waiting to take off for two hours. He calls the stewardess to ask why the delay.
She syas, "I'm sorry, sir, the pilot has heard a funny noise from the engine that he doesn't like."
"Oh," says the man, "so you're waiting for an engineer to come and fix the problem."
The stewardsess says, "No, we're waiting for another pilot who can't hear it."
She syas, "I'm sorry, sir, the pilot has heard a funny noise from the engine that he doesn't like."
"Oh," says the man, "so you're waiting for an engineer to come and fix the problem."
The stewardsess says, "No, we're waiting for another pilot who can't hear it."
A man is passing Farmer Gile's farmyard when he spots a pig with a wooden leg, "I say," asks the man, "why has your pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer says, "Well he's a very special pig that one. One night, the wife and me were asleep when the pig spots that the farm was on fire. He broke down the door with his little trotters then ran up the stairs to drag me to safety. Then he went back through the flames and smoke to fetch my wife and back in again to save the children. It's all thanks to that pig that we're here today."
"I see," says the man, "so he hurt his leg in the fire did he?"
"Oh no, " says Farmer Giles, " but you see, when you've got a pig as special as this one, you don't want to eat it all at once."
On a serious note, this about sums up much of the human race in my view.
The farmer says, "Well he's a very special pig that one. One night, the wife and me were asleep when the pig spots that the farm was on fire. He broke down the door with his little trotters then ran up the stairs to drag me to safety. Then he went back through the flames and smoke to fetch my wife and back in again to save the children. It's all thanks to that pig that we're here today."
"I see," says the man, "so he hurt his leg in the fire did he?"
"Oh no, " says Farmer Giles, " but you see, when you've got a pig as special as this one, you don't want to eat it all at once."
On a serious note, this about sums up much of the human race in my view.
A man goes into a barber's for a shave. The barber turns out to be less than proficient with the razor and nicks the man all over his face. After the shave the man asks for a glass of water. "You must be thirsty," says the barber.
"No," says the man, "I just want to see if my face leaks."
"No," says the man, "I just want to see if my face leaks."
A man goes on holiday to Africa with his wife and her mother. A lion leaps out of the jungle and corners her. The man's wife screams then shouts, "Aren't you going to help?
"No chance," says the man, "the lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it!"
"No chance," says the man, "the lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it!"
A German on holiday in New York walks into McDonald's and orders a beer. A New Yorker in the queue behind him laughs and says, "You German idiot! They don't serve beer here."
The German turns and says, "Let me get this straight, you've come in here just for the food and you're calling me the idiot?"
The German turns and says, "Let me get this straight, you've come in here just for the food and you're calling me the idiot?"
A man is being inerviewed. "Where were you born?" asks the interviewer.
"London," says the man.
"Oh yes," says the interviewer, "which part?"
"All of me, " says the man.
"London," says the man.
"Oh yes," says the interviewer, "which part?"
"All of me, " says the man.
A man told his friend that his wife's credit card had been stolen the previous week. "Have you reported it to the police?" ask his friend.
"No," says then man, "I just got the bank statement and at the moment the thief is spending less than my wife."
"No," says then man, "I just got the bank statement and at the moment the thief is spending less than my wife."
A man has his eyes tested at his opticians. Afterwards the optician tells him that he's colour blind. "Well, that's a bolt out of the green," says the man.