The Joke Thread

[ivoralljack]

I asked my dad what his generation did to relieve boredom before the internet existed. Neither he nor any of my 19 siblings had an answer.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The second telephone.

Talk is cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 45? - Your Honour.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? - Senator.

 

[ivoralljack]

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

When lawyers die, why are they buried 500 feet underground?
Because deep down lawyers can be nice people.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a Bar Association convention?
The caterer.

 

[ivoralljack]

Copper wire was invented by two lawyers fighting over a penny.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? - Professional courtesy.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop". Unless they are used together.

 

[ivoralljack]

What's a man's idea of foreplay? - Half an hour of begging.

The soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray attacks is now a seasoned veteran.

What do get when you drop a piano on a military base? - A flat major.

You can now be fined £700 for calling an officer an idiot. £50 for calling them an idiot. £650 for disclosing classified information.

In the navy how do you separate the men from the boys? - With a crowbar.

 

[ivoralljack]

Can somebody please tell me what the lowest rank in the army is? Every time I ask someone, they say it's private.

A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I won 3 million dollars on the lottery this weekend so I decided to give a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Money isn't everything but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

Recently I spent £750 to hire a limousine and then realised that's just for the car, not the driver. Hard to believe that I've spent all that money, but have nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[ivoralljack]

The Jam and Cream were due to play a series of gigs in Devon and Cornwall. It never happened because they couldn't decide who should go on first.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

 

[ivoralljack]

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why isn't the word 'phonetic' spelt the way it sounds?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why does someone believe you when you say there's 400 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

The older a man gets the farther he had to walk to school.

 

[ivoralljack]

Afer my son's football team won their league, the goalkeeper invited us to a party at his house. It was the Father, the Son and the Goalie Host.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I share them with who can't.

My girlfriend and I often laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more!

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I got pulled over by the police last night. They asked me where I was between 7 and 11. I said I was in junior school.

 

[ivoralljack]

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth"? Three different answers.

I'm single by choice. Not my choice.

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

My wife and I were inseparable. Sometimes it took four people to pull us apart.

 

[ivoralljack]

When a guy steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered. It wasn't mine.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her....... or something like that.

Funny how they say, "We need to talk." when they really mean, "You need to listen."

She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

 

[ivoralljack]

A good wife is one who always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A true test of faith is when the collection plate comes round and you only have a £20 note.

Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage will make you a car.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

And the Lord said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

 

[ivoralljack]

I asked my wife why she didn't blink when we had foreplay. She said she didn't have time.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I told her I didn't know that it was a competition.

Last night our sex was so good even our neighbours had a cigarette!

I think my girlfriend must have had 61 boyfriends before me because she calls me her 60 second lover.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.......

 

[ivoralljack]

Last week I bought a fridge magnet. They really work: so far I've got 11 fridges.

If you want your wife to pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I sleep better naked. I just wish the flight attendant had been more understanding.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Social media went down this afternoon, so I left my room and met my family. They seem pretty cool.

 

[ivoralljack]

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.

Golf is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

Practice tee: a place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

 

[ivoralljack]

Playing golf the other day, I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I often get a 147 when I play snooker. That's the number of the bus that stops outside the hall.

Why did women's football take so long to catch on? - Because it took ages to persuade 11 women to wear the same outfit in public.

I received a useful pamphlet with my new skis. It tells you how to convert them into a pair of splints.

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously haven't tried wiping their butts with an iPad.

 

[ivoralljack]

There are only two types of computer - the latest model and the obsolete.

Our work computers went down yesterday, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 10 minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

Anyone who thinks talk is cheap obviously didn't pay my daughter's last mobile phone bill.

My grandfather said that the younger generation rely too much on technology. So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What's the best way to keep a teenage boy out of hot water? - Put some dishes in it.

 

[ivoralljack]

A teenager is someone whose hang-ups don't include clothes.

Thanks to autocorrect, one in five children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in five-star hotels. She wants to come with me.

I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on holiday. So this year we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Then there was this American tourist who was surprised that they built Windsor Castle directly under the flight path to Heathrow,

 

[ivoralljack]

A friend told me I should go to Brighton as it's good for rheumatism. So I did and I got it.

I once stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.

I asked the flight attendant if this type of plane crashed often. She said, "No, only once."

Think twice before boarding a cruise ship where the passengers are supplied with oars.

My wife had her driving test last week. She got eight out of ten. The other two guys jumped clear.

 

[ivoralljack]

Change is inevitable....... except from a vending machine.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

I was surprised to see that one TV channel is screening the World Origami Campionships. It's on paperview.

TV evening news is where the presenter begins with "good evening" and proceeds to tell you why it's not.

The unluckiest guy in US tv cop shows must be Officer Down. He's always getting shot.

 

[ivoralljack]

A Hollywood wedding is where they take each other for better or for worse....... but not for long.

What are the top three occasions that require witnesses? Crimes, accidents and marriages. Need I say more?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.......

I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

I once went for a job as a blacksmith. The guy asked me if I had ever shoed a horse. I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."