Something funny from WOL where someone walking near a beach in Anglesey spotted a very rare black adder and posted a pic of it. In the readers comments one wit asked: Was Baldrick with it? Amused me. 
The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
"Waiter, will my burger be long?"
"No, sir, it'll be round."
An Irishman complains to his doctor about a pain in his bottom. The doctor begins his examination and notices a £20 note sticking out of the man's arse. He carries on and finds another then another and another until he has a large pile of money in front of him.
"I've added it up," says the doctor and you had exactly £1980 stuffed up your backside!"
"Ah, that'll be it then, doctor," says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
"No, sir, it'll be round."
An Irishman complains to his doctor about a pain in his bottom. The doctor begins his examination and notices a £20 note sticking out of the man's arse. He carries on and finds another then another and another until he has a large pile of money in front of him.
"I've added it up," says the doctor and you had exactly £1980 stuffed up your backside!"
"Ah, that'll be it then, doctor," says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
A man asks this dentist what it would cost to remove a tooth. "One hundred pounds," says the dentist.
"That's a lot," says the man, "is there anything you can do to get the price down?"
"Well, if I don't use any anaesthetic that'll bring it down to £50," says the dentist.
"Okay," says the man, "anything else you can do to make it cheaper?"
"If I just used a pair of pliers that would bring it down to £15," says the dentist.
"That's still slightly more than I wanted to pay," says the man.
"Right," says the dentist, "we'll do it without anaesthetic, using the pliers and I'll get one of my students on work experience to do it. That would bring the price down to a fiver."
"Excellent!" says the man.
"Okay," says the dentist as he prepares to make a note of the appointment, "what's your name?"
"Oh, it's not for me," says the man, "It's for my wife."
"That's a lot," says the man, "is there anything you can do to get the price down?"
"Well, if I don't use any anaesthetic that'll bring it down to £50," says the dentist.
"Okay," says the man, "anything else you can do to make it cheaper?"
"If I just used a pair of pliers that would bring it down to £15," says the dentist.
"That's still slightly more than I wanted to pay," says the man.
"Right," says the dentist, "we'll do it without anaesthetic, using the pliers and I'll get one of my students on work experience to do it. That would bring the price down to a fiver."
"Excellent!" says the man.
"Okay," says the dentist as he prepares to make a note of the appointment, "what's your name?"
"Oh, it's not for me," says the man, "It's for my wife."
Three men have been stuck on a desert island for years when one of them finds a magic lamp on the beach. He summons the genie who grants them one wish each. "I'm really missing my family, my loved ones and the wonderful life I enjoyed before, so that's my wish." The genie nods and the man is gone in a flash. The second man wishes for exactly the same thing and disappears immediately. The genie looks at the third man who says, "I'm already feeling lonely and I wish my mates were back here with me."
A Scouser walks into a library and asks for a book entitled "An Introduction to Urdu". The librarian asks:
'Are you going to India on holiday?'
'No,' says the Scouser, 'I want to learn how to be a hairdresser.'
'Are you going to India on holiday?'
'No,' says the Scouser, 'I want to learn how to be a hairdresser.'
A man is rushed to hospital after injuring himself using the vacuum cleaner. His wife calls the hospital the next day to ask how he is.
"Oh," says the nurse, "he's picking up."
"Oh," says the nurse, "he's picking up."
After several people have been found stabbed with knitting needles, police believe the crimes may be following some kind of pattern.
A consignment of wigs has been stolen. Police are combing the area.
Police found a wanted man hiding out in a public convenience. They eventually managed to flush him out.
A lorry-load of prunes has been stolen. Police believe the thieves are still on the run.
Police say a criminal midget clairvoyant escaped from prison. They're looking for a small medium at large.
A consignment of wigs has been stolen. Police are combing the area.
Police found a wanted man hiding out in a public convenience. They eventually managed to flush him out.
A lorry-load of prunes has been stolen. Police believe the thieves are still on the run.
Police say a criminal midget clairvoyant escaped from prison. They're looking for a small medium at large.
CroJack
Key Player
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
A man walks into a chemist shop and asks, "Have you got cotton wool balls?"
"What do you think I am?" snaps the assistant, "a fucking teddy bear?"
"What do you think I am?" snaps the assistant, "a fucking teddy bear?"
A man is sitting at a table in a pub. His friend walks in and says, "I see your glass is empty, shall I get you another?"
"Don't be stupid," says the man, "why would I want two empty glasses?"
"Don't be stupid," says the man, "why would I want two empty glasses?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Soviet are in an art gallery looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.
"Look at their calm and reserve," says the Englishman, "they must be English."
"Non," says the Frenchman, "They are so beautiful they must be French."
"Nyet," says the Soviet. "They have no clothes, they have no shelter, they only have one apple between them and yet they're being told they are in Paradise. They must be Russian!"
"Look at their calm and reserve," says the Englishman, "they must be English."
"Non," says the Frenchman, "They are so beautiful they must be French."
"Nyet," says the Soviet. "They have no clothes, they have no shelter, they only have one apple between them and yet they're being told they are in Paradise. They must be Russian!"
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home look what's in the fridge and go to bed, Married women come home look what's in bed and go to the fridge.
A man is driving his son to school when he makes an illegal turn at a set of traffic lights. "Oh no," says the dad, "I just made an illegal turn!"
"Don't worry, dad," says his son, "the police car behind us did exactly the same thing."
"Don't worry, dad," says his son, "the police car behind us did exactly the same thing."