The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
The Blobster
Prediction Champ
Jack told Jill to take the pill
And let it be followed by water
But Jill forgot , so Jack begot
A bouncing baby daughter .
And let it be followed by water
But Jill forgot , so Jack begot
A bouncing baby daughter .
This is a fact.
So much for the Royal Mail postal tracking service that you pay for.
My Visa debit card expired, the bank wouldn't send it to Turkey, only to my home uk address.
This was no problem as my son forwarded to me paying for Recorded Delivery and full tracking service.
First couple of days I was told it first went to Cardiff, then onto London.
Left it for 2 days then checked it. I was told it was ready to leave the uk for my destination country.
About 15 minutes later my doorbell rang, it was the postman with my card.
So much for the Royal Mail postal tracking service that you pay for.
My Visa debit card expired, the bank wouldn't send it to Turkey, only to my home uk address.
This was no problem as my son forwarded to me paying for Recorded Delivery and full tracking service.
First couple of days I was told it first went to Cardiff, then onto London.
Left it for 2 days then checked it. I was told it was ready to leave the uk for my destination country.
About 15 minutes later my doorbell rang, it was the postman with my card.
Not a joke but I found an article online about Greenland sharks. I know they are long-lived animals with 200 years of age being quite normal. But exhaustive recent studies have shown that they can have a lifespan anywhere between 272 and 512 years old!! That means that some sharks today were born during the Renaissance. 
I read that they are useless as a food fish because their flesh tastes gross and is toxic; and they can't be fed to sledge dogs, already noted for a love of fighting to the death, because it drives then into a raging frenzy. Wouldn't like to run into one of them.
That means that some sharks today were born during the Renaissance. I read that they are useless as a food fish because their flesh tastes gross and is toxic; and they can't be fed to sledge dogs, already noted for a love of fighting to the death, because it drives then into a raging frenzy. Wouldn't like to run into one of them.
CroJack
Key Player
Yeah, my mother-in-low is only 95 years old.
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This isn't a joke but it amused me. I had 30 minutes spare this late pm so decided to chill out with some mellow 70s music from Prefab Sprout. Haven't listened to them for years, so I asked my 'Alexa' to play their music, settled back in my reclining rocker and had a doze. I was happily chilling for a while when Hector decided it was getting near his dinner time and gave me a snouting with his cold wet nose.
Fuck's sake! That roused me in a hurry and I shouted, "Hector, I'll give you a right bash." The music stopped abruptly then Alexa's voice sang out, " Sorry, I can't find any bash music." I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Thing is, Hector sounds much like the starting command Alexa and the machine obviously mistook the two. It has happened once before actually but not with so much effect. Well, anyway, I thought it was funny!
Fuck's sake! That roused me in a hurry and I shouted, "Hector, I'll give you a right bash." The music stopped abruptly then Alexa's voice sang out, " Sorry, I can't find any bash music." I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Thing is, Hector sounds much like the starting command Alexa and the machine obviously mistook the two. It has happened once before actually but not with so much effect. Well, anyway, I thought it was funny!
Five surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
