The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Borini
- Start date
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
SCOTTISH LOVE STORY
An elderly Scotsman man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
Fuck off she said, they're for the funeral.
An elderly Scotsman man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
Fuck off she said, they're for the funeral.
CroJack
Key Player
R.I.P to *Jack Daniels*
*JACK DANIELS* was found dead today by *JOHNNY WALKER* at *SAVANNAH* Street near the *CASTLE* in *RED SQUARE* centre.
His wife *HENNESY* and their two sons *HANSA* & *AMSTEL* have been crying under an *AMARULA* tree ever since.
Mr *HEINEKEN* thinks he was killed by *HUNTERS* who shot him with a *STRONG BOW*.
His *FOUR* *COUSINS* confirmed he was coming from *Club J&B* in *MELLOW WOOD* on *4TH STREET*.
It appears that he had an affair with *Mr HUNTERS* wife *SARITA*. She also feared for her life & moved to *NEDERBURG.*
*CAPTAIN MORGAN* is still investigating this case but evidence points that *Mr. J.C Le ROUX* is also a suspect.
The funeral will be held at *KLIPDRIFT* & performed by pastor *FISH EAGLE* as soon as the church *BELLS* ring tomorrow.
We hope *JAMESON* and his wife *NAMAQUA* will arrive on time. They have to fly over *TWO OCEANS* to get here...
............................................................................................................................................................................................................
Send This To All Our Alcoholic Friends For a laugh... Let the *GUARANA’s* begin!
*JACK DANIELS* was found dead today by *JOHNNY WALKER* at *SAVANNAH* Street near the *CASTLE* in *RED SQUARE* centre.
His wife *HENNESY* and their two sons *HANSA* & *AMSTEL* have been crying under an *AMARULA* tree ever since.
Mr *HEINEKEN* thinks he was killed by *HUNTERS* who shot him with a *STRONG BOW*.
His *FOUR* *COUSINS* confirmed he was coming from *Club J&B* in *MELLOW WOOD* on *4TH STREET*.
It appears that he had an affair with *Mr HUNTERS* wife *SARITA*. She also feared for her life & moved to *NEDERBURG.*
*CAPTAIN MORGAN* is still investigating this case but evidence points that *Mr. J.C Le ROUX* is also a suspect.
The funeral will be held at *KLIPDRIFT* & performed by pastor *FISH EAGLE* as soon as the church *BELLS* ring tomorrow.
We hope *JAMESON* and his wife *NAMAQUA* will arrive on time. They have to fly over *TWO OCEANS* to get here...
............................................................................................................................................................................................................
Send This To All Our Alcoholic Friends For a laugh... Let the *GUARANA’s* begin!
Yankee_Jack
Key Player
The Greed League ... can't stomach the risks and rewards of the people's game ... don't have the balls to stick with their plan. No stomach. No balls. No way to go through life.