The Joke Thread

[ivoralljack]

This guy loses his dog, his very best friend in life and a rare valuable hound. He places an ad in a local paper offering a £20k reward confident that this will see the dog returned. A week passes and no news at all. So he goes to the office of the newspaper to check on his advert and asks if he might see the classified ads manager.
"I.m sorry, sir, but he's out of the office," says the receptionist.
"Okay," says the man, "could I speak to his secretary?"
"I'm sorry, sir," says the receptionist, "she's not here either."
"Right," says the man, "I want to see the editor."
"Sorry, sir," says the receptionist "but he's not available either."
"I can't believe this!" snaps the man. "Where are all the people who're supposed to be running this newspaper?"
"Well, if you must know," says the receptionist, "they're all out looking for your dog."

 

[ivoralljack]

How did they used to use a banana as a compass in Germany?
They placed it on top of the Berlin Wall and the side with a bite taken out of it was east.

 

[ivoralljack]

A man comes home early one day and discovers his best friend, Marvin, in bed with his wife. Utterly devastated, he takes in the scene and says:
"Oh, Marvin, WHY? I've got to....... but you?"

 

[ivoralljack]

A man drags a large box up the driveway to a house. A woman answers the door to his knock and he asks, "are you Widow Jones?"
"No," says the woman, "I am not Widow Jones, I am Mrs Jones."
"Hang on," he says, "you haven't seen what's in this box yet."

 

[ivoralljack]

A man goes to the surgery and says, "Doctor, people keep ignoring me!"
"Next please," calls the doctor.

 

[ivoralljack]

It's an old one but I always enjoy this footy sketch. Great!!

 

[ivoralljack]

A woman walks into a chemist and asks to buy a bottle of cyanide. Taken aback the pharmacist asks what the cyanide is for.
"I want to kill my husband," replies the woman.
"I'm sorry, madam, under the circumstances I can't possibly sell you any cyanide," stammers the chemist.
"Really?" snaps the woman, "Then take a look at this!" and whips out a photograph showing her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
"Forgive me, madam," says the pharmacist reaching for the cyanide, "I didn't realise you had a prescription."

 

[ivoralljack]

Then there was the dyslexic nurse who got into trouble after being asked to prick a patient's boil.

 

[ivoralljack]

When I asked the vet to cut off my dog's tail he wanted to know why. I told him, "My mother-in-law's visiting tomorrow and I don't want her to feel welcome."

 

[CroJack]

During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well f#ckin' stop doin' it then ya evil b#stard!"

 

[ivoralljack]

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a 4x4?
The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.

 

[ivoralljack]

An old man with a bent back hobbles into an ice cream parlour and orders a sundae, The assistant puts a load of toppings on the ice cream.
"Crushed nuts, granddad?" he asks.
"No," snaps the bent old man, "It's just rheumatism if you must know."

 

[ivoralljack]

On their Golden Wedding anniversary a man was horrified when he asked his wife how often she had been unfaithful to him and was told three times.
She explained that the first time was with their bank manager and the following day he approved a loan that they desperately needed for their new business. Slightly mollified he asked her about the second time.
She told him that she had slept with a private surgeon who then performed an expensive operation for free that her husband needed to save his life but was unable to afford. "I just don't deserve you, my darling," gushed the husband, "doing all that for me. But what about the third time?"
"Well," says the wife, "remember when you wanted to be President of the golf club but you needed 87 members to vote for you.......?"

 

[CroJack]

Policeman: Your license says you should be wearing glasses!

Me: I have contacts!

Policeman: I don't care who you know!

 

[ivoralljack]

A man walks into a Swedish chemists to buy deodorant.
"Ball or aerosol?" asks the chemist.
"Neither, it's for my armpits," says the man.

 

[ivoralljack]

Horrible "Crossing the Road" jokes:

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
The horse? It was the chicken's day off.
The turkey? To prove he wasn't chicken.
The giraffe? To visit the chicken.
The dinosaur? Because chickens hadn't evolved yet.
The dog? It was chasing the chicken.
The cow? To get to the udder side.

Apologies for that lot!

 

[ivoralljack]

Farmer Giles takes his son with him to buy a cow. Giles gives the cow a thorough examination prodding and feeling the cow all over and lifting its tail to check every nook and cranny. "Why are you doing that, daddy?" asks his son.
"Well," explains Farmer Giles, "before you pay good money you have to give the animal a proper going over."
The following day the lad runs up and says, "Dad! I just saw mummy and the postman behind the barn and you know what? It looks like he's thinking of buying her!!"

 

[ivoralljack]

Some horrible elephant jokes (I absolutely adore elephants!);

How can you tell if there's an elephant under the bed? The ceiling is very close.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to build a new fence.
What do you give a seasick elephant? Plenty of room!
Why are elephants covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron one?

 

[ivoralljack]

Topical:

A man tells his friend that the previous night he'd gone to see the local MP giving a speech which lasted an hour.
"What was he talking about?" asks the friend.
"I don't know," says the man, "he didn't say."

 

[ivoralljack]

The captain of a ship discovers an attractive stowaway aboard. "What's your story?" he asks.
The girl explains saying, "I have an arrangement with one of your crew. He has stowed me aboard, smuggles me food and drink and I get free passage to American. In exchange, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," says the captain, "this is the Isle of Wight Ferry."