The Joke Thread

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
How quickly times change.
Just a few months ago you couldn't even see your family .
Now a complete stranger from another country can come and live in your house.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Life is very much like a dick
sometimes its up
sometimes its down
But it wont be hard forever.
 

Yankee_Jack

Key Player
Similarly .... Refereeing is 90 minutes of pretending you know WTF you're doing and are unbiased; Playing is 90 minutes of trying to figure out what the bastard is going to call against me next ...

unless your name is Ducks, in which case you'd just shoot the ref a look and it would open season thereafter.
 

Yankee_Jack

Key Player
Aren't the words 'a look' superfluous here? :unsure::ROFLMAO:
The ref could be a new guy ... but otherwise Ducks reputation would proceed him. Just imagine the conversation in the match officials' locker room before the game ... "hey Bill, did you notice the ambulance parked down the street, just got the team sheet. Ducks is starting".
 

CroJack

Key Player
Never do this

DangerousCreatures.jpg

They look cute and harmless, so much that you
want to hug them.


BUT


They can easily change the mood and
you never know when they are going to
attack you without any particular reason.
People who don't know much about wild animals
have tried to tame them, and even tried to live with them,
without any success.
They have bad temper, they are dangerous, they can hiss like a cornered cat,
they have claws, and having them in your home is connected with huge costs.

The other animal on the right side in the above photo is really, really cute and
harmless.
That's a kangaroo, but I don't know much about them.
 

CroJack

Key Player
I love this Jimmy Carr's joke:

There has been a tornado season in the US recently and I saw a couple being interviewed on CNN, and the reason because they were being interviewed is even though the tornado has been coming towards their house they refused to move. Even though their house was on wheels. They were being interviewed by this very nice anchorman on CNN, the man had his arm around his wife, and the CNN man asked them why aren't you going, and the man answered God will protect us. And I thought...who do you think is sending the tornado?
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Got Fathers' Day cards yesterday and one had some Tommy Cooper jokes in it. They're old but still funny.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace!

I went to the doctor the other day and asked him if he had anything for wind. He gave me a kite!

I went into a pub and had a ploughmans' lunch - he was really mad about it.

For a quick laugh, go into an antique shop tomorrow and ask what's new?
 
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