The Joke Thread

Behindthegoal

Key Player
You may remember SCFC had a rationalisation program maybe 5 seasons back to rejuvenate the Family Stand. They tried to move all the odd bods to the East Stand to make way for new families. The guy sitting immediately next to me was such a victim. However, he complained and was relocated - now immediately behind me!
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
A man was out walking when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Hearse was followed by a second one. Behind the second one was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was about 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't hold his curiosity any longer, he approached the man walking the dog saying "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this before, with so many of you walking in single file. Who's funeral is it?"
The man replied "the first coffin is my wife's."
" What happened to her?
"My dog attacked her and killed her"
"Well who is in the second coffin?
"My Mother-in-Law. She was trying to help my wife and the dog killed her also."
A thoughtful moment passed between the two men.
Then the man casually asked "Could I borrow the dog?.
"Sure" replied the man, "Join the queue".
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
You may remember SCFC had a rationalisation program maybe 5 seasons back to rejuvenate the Family Stand. They tried to move all the odd bods to the East Stand to make way for new families. The guy sitting immediately next to me was such a victim. However, he complained and was relocated - now immediately behind me!
Would his have been one of the now empty seats?
 

Behindthegoal

Key Player
No, he was the other side, taken up by a Dad with his two young lads next to him. It’s a common thread in the South stand that younguns can’t go more than 20 minutes without chips or a drink. Quite a laugh now that catering has gone cashless. The first match off they trooped with dad’s tenner, only to come back for dad’s card!
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
The Sun has been printing some of "Only Fools and Horses" classic lines, so I've posted three classics here.

"Stone me, Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard." Rodney on hearing about yet another of Del's fiancees.

"You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning and education. That's why you're no good at snooker, Del Boy."

"It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice." Del Boy on Grandad's cooking! :ROFLMAO:

John Sullivan was a genius writer.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Boss says to his employee , I don't think you give a fuck about this job and I pay you to give a fuck about it.
Employee replies Well you'd better start paying me double because I don't give two fucks about it.
 

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Have to share this newspaper item that I found really funny:

Five foul-mouthed parrots are back on display at a zoo after attempts to curb their colourful language failed. The African Greys were removed from view in 2020 and put with polite parrots in a bid to stop their self-taught cursing. But keepers at Lincolnshire Wildlife Park, Friskney, say the five are worse than ever and have given up reforming them.

Park boss, Steve Nichols said, "We've stopped worrying. There's a warning up if people don't want to stand there."
:ROFLMAO:

There was a follow-up piece today:

Zoo visitors are delighted by the return of five potty- mouthed parrots who were banished for effing and blinding. The African Greys are on display after failing to clean up their act at a boot camp. Billy, Tyson, Eric, Jade and Elsie came from separate homes but taught each other swear words. In 2020, the birds were removed after their obscenities shocked staff. They were sent to mix with more polite parrots in the hope they would copy the better behaviour. But their language is as bad as ever now they have returned.

Boss Steve Nichols said, "Billy might swear and then Tyson will laugh, and then Eric will swear and Jade will laugh. People have demanded they go on show so we've stopped worrying and put up a warning."


Now, all I want to know is where I can buy one?! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Reminds me of a zoo joke where the gorilla had just died. The senior keeper asked a younger keeper if he would put on a gorilla skin for a couple of days until a replacement gorilla arrived, He agreed to this and put on the skin and went into the gorilla enclosure.
A while later the keeper was passing and the guy was sat in the corner, the keeper prodded him with his stick telling him to look more lively reminding him he was getting paid for it. The guy jumps on a swinging tyre and starts swinging, goes too high and goes over the top into the lions enclosure, he looks around and sees a lion starting to walk towards him. He runs to the cage bars shouting Help Help I'm a man not a real gorilla.
The lion gets alongside him, then says in a low voice, FFS shut up or you'll get the pair of us the sack.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
I was walking along the street the other day when i slipped in dog shit.
A minute later some guy did exactly the same thing.
I said to him " I just did that" and he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
An 83yr old British man arrived in Paris by plane, as he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady customs officer asked him if he'd been to France before.
He admitted he had indeed been previously. She then said sarcastically then you should know when you arrive you should have your passport out ready for inspection sir. He replied but i didn't have to show it the last time.
Impossible the woman said. you British have always had to show it to get through here.
The man responded quietly, Well when I came ashore on D Day in 1944 I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman anywhere to show it to.
 
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