The Joke Thread

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful isn't she."
I said "if you think she's beautiful you should see my wife".
He said " Why? is she a stunner".
I said "No, she's an optician"
 

CroJack

Key Player
The Omicron variant main symptom is tiredness and muscle pain. That's exactly what you feel after putting in a hard day's work.

Wait a moment...


That's why the politicians around the world are scared of it! They've never tried to put in a hard day's work.
 

Behindthegoal

Key Player
I’ve just finished watching Sequestered on Netflix. That is 4 hours of my life I’ll never get back.
But it did remind me of my jury service. We were put in a hotel because one of the jurors had been threatened by the defendant’s family.
I don’t remember much, except one female witness wouldn’t say her evidence so the judge allowed her to write it down.
The gist was that the defendant said he would come to her room to give her you know what.
This note was read and passed on by the jurors. Well, the lady next to me was asleep!
I nudged her awake and gave her the note.
She read it, smiled and put it in her handbag.
The judge asked for it back but she said, “no, it’s personal!”
We were both banned from any further jury service
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
A filling station owner in Ireland trying to increase his trade put up a sign 'Free sex with a fill up'
Paddy pulls in and fills up, then asks about the free sex, the owner said "you have to guess the right number between 1 and 10.
Paddy says 8, unlucky says the owner it was 7.
Few days later Paddy pulls in again with his friend Mick, fills up and says number 2, unlucky again says the owner it was 3.
Paddy says to Mick "I think this is a con, you will never get the right number" Mick says "Oh no Paddy its genuine enough my wife won three times last week".
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Dizzy blonde on the phone to her husband, "Honey the car will not drive."
Husband." Darling I've told you before, when I'm not with you , you have to sit on the other side"
 

Behindthegoal

Key Player
Spoiler alert! This is not a joke. My daughter, ex North Bank, thought she’d come over from Bristol with husband and friend to watch the Bristol City match. No problem, I said, the 3 seats next to me are always free, I’ll buy them for you.
Online I go, but those seats are not available, so I have to ring the ticket office. I’m in Portugal at the moment and it’s complicated to trade in your season.
When I’m finally through I ask why can’t I have those seats. Apparently they are sold to season ticket holders. It’s years since anyone sat there!
I’m wondering …. Why?
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Seems strange that 3 individual people or 1 individual would keep renewing empty seats annually., It's not as if seats are hard to come by in the stadium these days.
 

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Spoiler alert! This is not a joke. My daughter, ex North Bank, thought she’d come over from Bristol with husband and friend to watch the Bristol City match. No problem, I said, the 3 seats next to me are always free, I’ll buy them for you.
Online I go, but those seats are not available, so I have to ring the ticket office. I’m in Portugal at the moment and it’s complicated to trade in your season.
When I’m finally through I ask why can’t I have those seats. Apparently they are sold to season ticket holders. It’s years since anyone sat there!
I’m wondering …. Why?
How's the weather over in Portugal at the moment BTG, it's unusually cold here in Turkey ATM ?
 

Behindthegoal

Key Player
Thanks for asking, JF. We’re in Carvoeiro in the Algarve. What’s to say. The temperature is the mid teens, but the wind can be a bit aggressive at times.
 
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