The Joke Thread

ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
The following is definitely not a joke, particularly for the poor sod who was the victim, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to post it. Anyway, I read today that this woman in North Carolina tied up her husband and then cut off his penis!! The case was passed to the local Sheriff's office and is now being investigated by a Major Wank!
 
Jackflash

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
ivoralljack said:
The following is definitely not a joke, particularly for the poor sod who was the victim, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to post it. Anyway, I read today that this woman in North Carolina tied up her husband and then cut off his penis!! The case was passed to the local Sheriff's office and is now being investigated by a Major Wank!
Click to expand...
A case of too little too late methinks.
 
Jackflash

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
Back to a Paddy joke
Paddy's wife comes home to find paddy had taken down the ceiling in the lounge, and you were now looking up into the bedroom with no floor.His wife screams at him,"What have you done" Paddy replies" Be Jesus woman, is there no satifying you, only last week you said you wanted two rooms knocked into one."
 
Jackflash

Jackflash

Midfield General
Staff member
A guy gets talking to a girl in a bar,he asked her name, she replied "Carmen", thats an unusual name he said.Well she said I like cars and I like men. After a while she enquired what his name was,he replied " Lagerfanny".
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AT WORK - AND ON THIS FORUM. ;)

It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some members of staff, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with their colleagues. With this in mind, HR has compiled a list of common phrase replacements, so that the correct exchange of ideas and information continue in an effective manner without the risk of offence to our fellow workers. The old (redundant) phrase should now be replaced by the new phrase (in bold).

No Fucking Way! I'm fairly sure that is not feasible.

You're Fucking Joking! Really. Is that true?

Tell someone who gives a fuck. Have you run that by your Supervisor?

No Bastard told me! I wasn't involved in that project.

I don't have the fucking time. Perhaps I can work late.

No shit!! You don't say.

Kiss my Arse! So, you'd like ME to help you?

You haven't got a fucking clue. You could use some additional training.

What sort of Fuck-wit are you? You're new here aren't you?

You're a fucking Wanker! You are my boss and I respect you.

Fuck OFF!! I'll look into that and get back to you.

I'm not a fucking Magician! It could be difficult.

Fuck off, Dickhead! I no longer require your assistance.

How the fuck did you get it to work? Well done.

You Fucking loser! You were most unfortunate there.

You pox-ridden son of a Bastard! We should agree to differ.

FUCK! I appear to have made an error.

FUCK FUCK!! I appear to have made a serious error.

Bollocks! You must be wrong.

Double Bollocks!! You are definitely wrong.

Like Fuck I will! I don't believe I will pursue that course.

Go Fuck yourself. Can you manage without my help?
 
KVetch

KVetch

Key Player
Have I never contributed here, I have achieved local success as a comedian similar to Jimmy Carr but not as offensive.

If you give a man a fish he eats for a day, if you give a man a starfish he eats forever because their arms and legs grow back.

I read that a sneeze is 1/8th of an orgasm, everytime you sneeze it's 1/8tg of an orgasm. So I keep a spice rack in the bedroom. If I don't finish the job Mrs. Dash will.
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
Sara was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was not replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
 
KVetch

KVetch

Key Player
The saddest day of my life was the day after my sister died


and we had to peel her little stick figure off the back of the minivan.
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
I know these are old but still funny and good for a smile. :):):)


6 OF THE BEST SMART ARSE ANSWERS EVER!!

SMART ARSE ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
A truckie was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it ..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have.. He's watching the rugby .... Who shall I say is calling
 
The Blobster

The Blobster

Prediction Champ
Pinched from another forum but worth repeating ,

As part of his degree course my son is taking part in a society response experiment.
He has to wear a Cardiff shirt for a month and record peoples reaction .
So far he has been spat at , kicked and punched ,





I'm fearful for what will happen to him when he leaves the house !
 
ivoralljack

ivoralljack

Grizzled Veteran
Staff member
I've put this on the joke thread because I thought it was funny. :) Had to pick up @jackodiamonds from High Street station last night about 9 pm. Got there early so parked at the top of High Street just down from the old Palace theatre and passed some time playing crib on my phone. Tap on the window. "You looking for business?" I was asked!! "No, I'm NOT", I replied a bit heatedly. Off she stalked. Got back to my game then another tap. There was this old tramp, dirty looking with a wispy beard staring at me through the window. "Looking for a job?" he asked. WHAT??!! "NO", I shouted at him. "Bugger off!!". And off he shuffled. I was gobsmacked. Only there for a few minutes minding my own business and I could have been arrested for kerb crawling!! :ROFLMAO: I phoned @Ladygargar as I thought it was funny and she 'dared' me to put it on the forum, so here it is.
 
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